Classic films were a product of a different time. Different fashion, different hair styles, and different attitudes towards casual misogyny. So, when attempting to critique the look of the men vying for our attention in these olden times, we’ll naturally have to grade on a curve. And with all this in mind, today we’re going to look at a couple of the most egregious turn-offs found in the men of yesteryear (with an honorable mention of Rodney Dangerfield who is not exactly a classic movie leading man but seems to be so universally–and unrespectfully–loathed by everyone except the dude-bros who love Caddyshack that his ickability needed to be acknowledged).
Basil Rathbone’s High Pants
My dad may disown me for casting any aspersions on Rathbone’s detective, and the high pants were pretty ubiquitous in the 1940s anyway, so this is hardly the worst item on this list. However, the combination of throwing his robe off to reveal the “up to the rib cage” trouser and short tie combo, along with the heavy tweed makes Basil Rathbone an especially egregious example of the “high pants” fashion trend.
Sean Connery’s Casual Misogyny
Again, everyone from Clark Gable to to Kirk Douglas were misogynistic assholes on and off the screen but Connery gets the nod here for being both the hottest of them all, and possibly the most blatant about it–both on and off screen. Like Don Draper on Mad Men, there’s just a bit more Ick to go around when most of the dude-bros watching these assholes secretly give them a pass based on how cool they are (aside from all the boys will be boys philandering and woman-slapping).
Humphrey Bogart’s Moist Lips
Bogart was self-conscious of his lips, which is too bad as he actually has a fine pair of plumpers on him. However, they were also MOIST AF, and a perfect saliva trap for catching both errant cigarettes and errant reflections of the studio lights. A quick wipe on the back of his sleeve might have helped, but realistically there wasn’t going to be much he could do to conceal those messy-spaghetti bois.
John Wayne’s FUPA
First of, even when he was a “fat old man,” John Wayne was always in pretty good shape and never really had a FUPA (any more than an of us do). So this is mostly down to a stylistic complaint–which is that when you wear two belts, spaced too far apart on loose fitting pants, you are going to get a decent amount of unflattering bulging betwixt the two.
Jacques Tati’s walk
I don’t know how quite to describe it, but there is just something about way Jacques Tati walks as Mr. Hulot that is the silliest shit you’ve ever seen–and, according to my wife whenever I mimic it, also the biggest turn-off in the world. Fully on the balls of his feet, with a forward lean that would make Michael Jackson proud, Tati finds a way to prance, bounce, slide, and barge all at the same time. It’s a masterpiece of physical comedy, and, according to some, the unsexiest thing a man can do on this earth.
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