In 2018 I did a post called “The Top 5 BEST Black Metal Cover Photo Cock Shots“–a tribute of sorts to a somewhat less rare than you would think trend in the black metal underground. I was unprepared for both how popular (based on my google hits since I posted it) the post would be, and how quickly it became obsolete. In the last eight years, the underground has positively exploded with black metal artists grimly hanging dong.
Not only did I realize this meant it was time to update my extensive dick database, but, as long as I had excel open, why not do a little linear regression projection to see where this was all “heading.” Of course, after plotting the 10 instances of hanging dong (on covers only!) the linear projection was underwhelming. Even the exponential projection was maxing out at around 60 total instances of full frontal male nudity on black metal album covers (as you can see on the blue line for the cover photo on this post). Of course, you know what they say about data–all you gotta do is keep tweaking things until you get the numbers you want! So, after looking at only the data for today’s post (the orange line above) it becomes obvious that the dick pic cover photo shoots are likely to go infinite sometime in the 2050s.
That bright and veiny future aside, let’s get to the actual examples of the latest in cutting edge black metal dong shot technology!
Shitfucker – Sex With Dead Body
Ok, so, yes, this is not actual dong, just full nuts, asshole, and a hemorrhoid or two. But, I’m going to allow it for the singer’s (yes, that is Daemon Bitch himself) commitment to the concept, as well as the absolutely horrific FULL SIZE poster that came with the LP:
You might think you are kvlt, but are you bloody-crucifix-sodomy and watersport kvlt?
As for the music, Shitfucker is more of a black-thrash Midnight style band, but black enough for this post I say, and rather fun in a “gonna need a gallon of cranberry juice” kind of way:
Naturgeist – Reinvigorated Terror
Credit where credit is due, this is a pretty decent cover, and how you should probably do this kind of thing if you MUST take it seriously. Hell, I would almost believe this dude was ACTUALLY mid-ritual if I didn’t know it was one of the Blood Incantation guys (who I unfairly assume are all insufferable hipsters). Unfortunately, it is so blurry you can barely even make out the tip, so overall a weak effort. Extra points for the full bush though.
I’d never heard of these guys until that blurry dick drifted through my transom, and the music was FINE I guess. There were a few decent moments but overall this is just a little to swirling and polished to really be my kind of black metal:
Ifernach – Midnight Maleficia
This one is back on the right track. Hunkering posture, half a DX “suck it” hand while the other holds a nice sword, caked on corpsepaint and tongue out–it’s nice to be reminded just how hard it can be to take black metal seriously, and what better vehicle for black metal absurdity than a cock shot like this. My only question, after staring at many of the pixels…why is the dick the only blurry part of this photo? Did he go in there with a smudge filter to fix a few things in post? Find a crisper version from this photoshoot and Finian might be on to something.
Musically, I always thought I was too good for Ifernach, but I realized a while ago I was wrong. Sure, his stuff is often underbaked (an issue found in all black metal artists with his amount of output), but he’s really got a knack for finding the melodies I like:
Goatmoon – Witch King
I gotta give it to Blackgoat Gravedesecrator (if that IS his real name), he really went for it with this picture. Glorious beard, his own branded booze, and Nazi shin tattoo the second most proudly displayed section of his body. Props for somehow being the first uncut dick to grace this (now recurring) feature, though you’d never know on some of the past ones with the amount of smudging and photo manipulation on some of these.
As for the music, Goatmoon needs no introduction. If you can get past the absolutely reprehensible everything about the band…they are a rather rollicking good time:
Sale Freux – Noiraigue
Sale Freux must have seen the Witchking cover and thought, “hold my vodka bottle–actually, I’ve got two hands, I’ll hold it too.” What a glorious, unabashedly ridiculous cover. Full erection, howling at the sky–there’s no hiding behind “maybe he’s a grower”/”let’s blur it a bit,” shenanigans, what you see is what you get (though he does seem to be doing the “hold it low to get a few more inches” trick), otherwise, this is either a man with no fear, or a man who drank half a bottle of vodka and sent his record label a photograph that was the culmination of a series of regrettable decisions.
Sale Fruex has been floating around for quite a while in the “kind of like Peste Noire” fringes, and are generally pretty interesting. This EP (material from the newest album) is not as strong as their earlier stuff, but still quite passable:
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