Black metal is a silly genre of medieval posturing, unlistenable production aesthetics, and reprehensible personalities. As such, it is bound to attract a unique set of fans. Today I’m taking a look at 5 of the most common types of black metal fans, and some of their more common characteristics. For, when one gazes into the abyss…one finds oneself having opinions on early Behemoth (for the Falses™: a very early and influential band that was oddly not racist in a Polish scene full of racist bands who was also maybe not that good despite being so influential, who then totally sold out and also maybe got way better, but that all just depends on your opinion…man).
The Nerd
All black metal fans are nerds, just look at…[gestures at everything], but some lean in to it more than others. The Nerd™ listens to black metal because it just feels like wizards and dragons and shit.
- Favorite Album: Summoning – Oath Bound (because it has that one song sung in Orcish)
- Organizes record collection by Genre, then subgenre, then country, then alphabetical by date.
- Has styled their hair like that one Tulus album on multiple occasions.
- Pretends to like Dungeon Synth on principle.
- Owns more than 10 swords.
- Has a list of their top 50 favorite black metal intros.
- Greater than average tolerance for Symphonic Black metal.
- Will tell you how Burzum got their cover art from a role playing book.
- Jumps at any chance to wear corpse paint.
- Power metal-curious.
The True Kvlt
First off, most fans of a genre as narrowly defined as black metal are a bit elitist, but The True Kvlt™ Elitist takes this sentiment as far as it can generally go, making gatekeeping into an artform in the process.
- Favorite Album: “I don’t know how to pronounce the Cyrillic characters, but you won’t be able to look it up anyway since it was only released on the band’s private Telegram channel.”
- Annoyed if you recognize the band on their shirt.
- Heard about that Summoning song in Orcish, but refused to listen because it was Orcish from the movies.
- Pretends to like first wave black metal on principle.
- Actually secretly likes Dungeon Synth, despite principles.
- Dislikes old Behemoth on principle (because they weren’t that good).
- Would NEVER listen to symphonic black metal, unless Grausamkeit counts.
- Hasn’t listened to any of the big second wave Norwegian acts for decades.
- Hasn’t heard the band you mentioned, but has heard OF them.
- Constantly talking about “the old feel” without ever actually defining it.
The False
Poseurs can be found in all gatekept genres, and are, of course, the mortal enemies of the Elitists. The False™ ignores the cardinal NO FUN rule of black metal (while dabbling in core, moshing, and trends as well) and is just trying to listen to some silly music with some cool melodies.
- Favorite Album: Carach Angren’s newest one after they picked it up at their show last month.
- Haven’t heard Summoning, but really likes Caladan Brood.
- Band shirts they wear always look brand new.
- Thinks that all that “moon phases and what wild flowers are blooming” stuff from the Cascadian scene is pretty cool.
- Patch vest is mostly mallcore and beer logos.
- Doesn’t know Behemoth used to actually be black metal.
- Majority of their favorite black metal albums are actually melodic death metal.
- Has thoughts on the Batushka drama.
- Doesn’t have thoughts on the Absurd drama.
- Thinks soloing has a place in black metal.
The Full NS
Black metal went racist pretty early on (like, Transilvanian Hunger early) and the racist underground, while never quite taking over the scene, also never really went away. The Full NS™ fan mistakes ideology for genre and ends up swirling the drain into the depths of the sketchiest underground this side of Native American black metal. They will assure you THEY aren’t racist, it’s just all the music they listen to.
- Favorite album: It probably has the word Aryan in it somewhere so they just say Graveland – Carpathian Wolves instead.
- Longer than normal feeling out process before discussing actual favorite bands with new black metal friends.
- Owns more than 10 guns.
- Very concerned with which ancestors were Vikings.
- Dislikes old Behemoth on principle (because they were scene race traitors).
- Cites Caller of the Storms as proof that a lot of their favorite musicians are black.
- Thinks the whole patch vest thing is stupid–but mostly because they can’t put any of their favorite bands on a vest they would wear in public.
- Conflicting feelings about the Latin American/Asian/Native NSBM scenes.
- Has given more money to racists via record purchases than 90% of MAGA political donors.
- Thinning hair worked out in their favor.
The Geriatric
Black metal mostly started in earnest in the mid-90s, so The Geriatric™ fans are only in their 40s or so. But, that’s old as shit to be gallivanting around at bar shows while dressed like a wizard
- Favorite album: Can almost guarantee it’s something from www.anus.com‘s black metal list.
- Assumes the current scene (by which they mean 1998 to 2024) is largely trash.
- Will tell anyone who will listen about the old concerts they’ve been to.
- All shirts are a washed out grey and at the end of the T-shirt –> armpit holes –> sleeveless shirt pipeline.
- Always looking for a place to sit at shows.
- Doesn’t know about modern Behemoth’s music style change.
- Thinks the whole patch vest thing is stupid–but mostly because they have neither the time nor energy to make one.
- Cut hair years ago, felt like a False™ ever since.
- Constant state of fear that their CD collection is months away from unplayable disc-rot.
- Mostly listens to Maiden these days.
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