Though I have no formal religious education, I have actually learned a fair bit about Christianity over the years, both via apophatic deduction applied to my metal collection, and, through cinema. In this recurring series, I feature a classic biblical movie (typically of the “epic” variety), and discuss just what one can learn about Christianity by watching it. Today, I will look at Quo Vadis, a tale of Rome right about the time it realized it maybe needed to start worrying about this Christianity thing.
Going into the film, I didn’t know much about the exact order of early Common Era Roman empire. Just that Nero was a bad dude, Peter was the one out there spreading the word, and that Morbid Angel song about feeding the Christians to lions is an overlooked banger on Covenant.
So, here are the top 21 (one for each century since Jesus came to Peter in a vision and asked where the fuck he was going and to get his ass back to Rome to be crucified) from Quo Vadis (1951).
1. They apparently weren’t doing phrasing in the Roman Empire.
I mean, in a place where the emperor is throwing orgies and basically everything was decadent enough to make that apocryphal vomitorium thing take off, I guess there’s no need to hide behind double entendre’s, but come on Vinicius, you can’t say stuff like this while a dude is scraping your back in a bathtub:
2. They grew them big back then.
Turns out Vinicius wasn’t talking peen, he was just marveling at the big corn-fed Christian boy Urusus, who, despite his size, wasn’t a fighter, and was real annoying and preachy about it:
3. Paul seemed like a colossal dick.
Speaking of peens, Paul of Tarus gave off real pompous dick vibes with his name-dropping holier than thou attitude. I was going to comment on the ridiculous prosthetic nose they got him up with until I looked it up and realized that was just the actor’s real nose, so I guess I’m the dick here.
4. Vinicius was kinda racist.
The whole point of the movie was that Vinicius was a brainwashed good Roman boy who eventually turned his life around after finding the light of the Lord (or at very least the nice yet naughty light of Deborah Kerr in her prime). But come on dude, to describe the women of Gaul as having “wild boar paws,” “mud huts,” and [nappy] hair…is not going to win you any points with a woke Christian like Lygia.
5. Rome was a bitchin place.
Of course if you city looks this cool you probably do start to take on airs. Also, if you ever wondered why they call it the “Roman Salute,” this is why.
6. Petronius acted above it all, but wasn’t a great dude either.
Petronius (unlike Vinicius) was an actual real person–advisor to Nero, and purported author of The Satyricon. However, in real life, he probably fell more on the enabling side of things than the movie’s version of a shrewd councilor who did everything he could to dissuade Nero from his atrocities. After a horrifying discussion of slaves, women, and whipping for impertinence, it is revealed that maybe he wasn’t just gay, he actually hated women in general:
7. Nero’s new girlfriend was SERVING.
Of course, maybe Petronius just hadn’t met the right gal yet, because Nero’s new wife (for whom he murdered his previous wife–and possibly mother) Poppea was a whole vibe–just check out those sicc 666 bangs:
8. Vinicius was kind of misogynist.
I’m not talking about how he got Nero bend some laws to legally give him Lygia as a slave in order to get to know her. I’m talking about his insistence on constantly telling women to smile:
9. Nero was an ass-man.
You wouldn’t guess it from his new wife, but Nero wasn’t impressed with Kerr’s figure, and made it known:
10. Jews finally had someone to share the brunt of some of the occult accusations always getting thrown around.
It’s always Lahash this and Kischuf that, it was about time a new group came along to get falsely accused to doing some good old fashioned black magic. And after Lygia rudely escapes her new master, Vinicius gets a local Greek to track her down. And the dude has some thoughts on Christians (and in the process makes them sound kind of badass):
11. Side note: Romans didn’t play chess.
I don’t know who they had on historical research for this movie, but I was aghast to see a fucking CHESS set in CE 68–at least Ten Commandments had the decency to use historically accurate board games:
12. Never get engaged without discussing religion.
Vinicius is mildly moved by the foul Christian rites led by the apostle Peter (previously known as Simon, but I guess old Simon wasn’t about to let new Simon keep his name so he had to change it) and apologizes for the enslaving (but not all the smile stuff). Lygia quickly forgives and agrees to marry him…though seconds later it is clear that they maybe should have discussed the whole religion thing a bit more. These Christian chicks take this stuff seriously dude:
13. Nero definitely burned Rome just to write a song about it.
Except historically he probably didn’t, and it was instead mismanagement and poor conditions in the slums that cause the fire. Either way Nero had a sick wargaming miniature city set-up in the film
14. There’s only one way to win a chariot race.
Vinicius isn’t about to let Lygia burn up with the rest of the Christians, religious problems aside, so he grabs a chariot and races to save her. As seen in every one of these epics, the best way to win a chariot race (not counting wheel knives, which are cheating) is to whip your opponent’s horse.
15. Peter was a groomer.
Nero ends up blaming the Christians for the fire, so Peter decides to skedaddle, taking young Nazarius with him. I am NOT confident this kid is going to be ok, and I’m not talking about his imminent beheading in Milan.
16. Signs and portents have diminished since Moses
Back in the day you had a full on burning bush, 1,500 years later and people are calling the sun shining through a cloud a message from God. At least in this instance it got Nazarius away from that old letch Peter who returned to Rome and assured martyrdom in order to not be seen as someone running away from their faithly duties.
17. So that’s why they call it the Cross of Saint Peter.
So as not to let Peter die in the same way his mentor Jesus did, the Romans instead crucify him in the most badass way possible, and the movie absolutely rises to the depiction.
18. Don’t shoot the messenger.
Everything is crashing down and Petronius decides to off himself to deny Nero the pleasure. Unfortunately he makes Seneca deliver his scathing burn-book to Nero on his way out. Hopefully things worked out ok for Seneca.
19. Nero had a weeping vase
Vomitoriums might not have been a real thing, but I’m going to choose to believe that weeping vases were. Either way, Nero did NOT take the burn book well, and decided to up his attacks on the Christians.
20. Peter’s magic wore off pretty quickly.
Before his sicc inverted crucifixion, Peter “blessed” all the Christians to “die well and feel no pain.” Based on the screams from the arena floor, Peter’s blessing could only do so much in the face of mauled nards.
I see what Morbid Angel meant by “scream arena butchery”:
21. Ursus beat a goddamn bull, and Nero was finally overthrown.
With Nero dead, the good governor Galba took over Rome and all was good for Christians and Romans alike. Just kidding, Galba was apparently a disaster as emperor, and it would be another couple hundred years of lion feeding for the Christians. But, at least Ursus looked like a total badass in his big moment:
There this movie goes again, making Christianity look kind of badass:
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