Before I begin I should clarify that, on this particular Monday, I am in a blighted land of dial-up internet. That’s right, I’m back home visiting my family in the country. On the one hand, the country is a wonderful place where I can tromp around out by good ol’ Gooseberry creek, but, on the other hand, the country is a horrible place without any access to high speed internet. I have tried to make do and get Mailbag Monday finished on time anyway, but between the super pixilated “fast load” pictures, constantly getting kicked off when someone picks up a phone accidentally and the lack of access to photoshop, I had a hard time finding questions that I could reasonably answer. Thus, because all my time was spent waiting for pages to load, I went ahead and took an easier “best of” approach for some of the questions today…hope no one minds!
Hello dear readers, it’s MAILBAG MONDAY again! On this special day I will search through my mountain of reader mail and answer the five most pressing questions!
What’s that you say? Do I really get that much mail? Well, I’ll admit…the contact sectionof this website doesn’t get used that often, but, one of the perks of wordpress stats is that I can see the google search terms that people use to find my site. And I’m going to go ahead and pretend that these search terms will count as reader mail, since they are often entered in the form of a question. So as you read these, remember that each “question” was something that someone actually typed into google that brought up my site as a hit which they then clicked on thus letting wordpress stats report to me the search they used to find my site. I could make up the questions myself, but it turns out the actual google searches are far better than anything I could come up with!
This month I answer the following questions:
- Isleyunruh fun facts?
- Best life 2007 may?
- Best Goth Blogs?
- Super bad penis drawings?
- Best internet boobs?
So, without further ado, it is time to dig into the old Mailbag to see what kind of things have been on my readers’ minds in the last month!
Isleyunruh fun facts?
Years ago some supposed “friends” started a blog of Isley “facts” located at: http://udontknowisley.livejournal.com. Now, of course every one of these “facts” was nothing but vile fabrication. Still, I had to admit there were a few good zingers in there. So, today I decided to swallow my pride and go ahead and post the ten best ones here:
- Isley spells “relief” A-T-H-E-L-A-S.
- Isley’s John Wayne collection features recreations of John Wayne movies starring kittens in all the main roles, which he has filmed himself over ten painstaking years.
- Isley’s recorder will play the song that ends the world.
- Isley is a member of the Olathe Ping Pong Meetup Group and the Raytown Bass Fishing Club.
- Isley failed sex education.
- Isley thinks that “facetious” is a skin disease.
- Isley would have a lot more problems if people didn’t keep confusing him with his lawful twin.
- Isley has several secret closets. They are dedicated to these categories: Janet Evanovich books (some signed), GOP rally supplies, Hobbit prosthetics…Renaissance festival-appropriate outfits.
- Isley’s favorite elf is Figwit, who WASN’T EVEN IN THE BOOKS.
- Isley pees on his cats.
Number 9 hurt the most.
Best life 2007 may?
Ah, May of 2007, back in the days when I wrote actual blog posts instead of same old weekly blog posts about movies, metal and middle earth. As a reminder of what has been lost, here’s the inaugural post from my old fairy tale series “archetypical” where I would analyze an archetype commonly found in fairy tales and then write an original fairy tale based around the archetype discussed:
Now apparently my time is better spent discussing the salinity of bodies of water from other people’s fantasy worlds rather than creating my own fictional worlds!
Best Goth Blogs?
Going through the posts from May of 2007 (all three of them!) reminded me how long this website has been around. So sure, I guess it wouldn’t hurt to take a shot at ranking all of my Goth Blogs considering that Goth Blog was the very first blog of any type (August 11, 2005) that I ever wrote on the internets.
1.) Goth Blog 2 – A Bittersweet Brew.
Like Bad Boys 2, Goth Blog 2 was (compared to the first) bigger, longer, louder and had more explosions. Originally posted as part of a week long event on my old Myspace blog, it had everyone on the edge of their seats all the way up to the epic finale! For anyone wanting to get the essence of Goth Blog in one sentence this throwaway joke from Day 3 pretty much sums it up:
I can not bear to write any longer. If only my mom would finish doing her load of laundry so that I might retreat to the solitude of my dungeon abode.
2.) GOTH Blog 1 – The Battle Has Only Just Begun!
This was a close second to Goth Blog 2 that only lost out because it was a bit less ambitious in scope. Still, and I’ve said this before, I must admit that I have rarely surpassed writing like this:
And I am off like a plague wind, only I am bearing far more than death and devastation this day; the black wings of love ride upon this storm!
3.) Goth Blog 4 – Hey Little Sister
I enjoy writing the crossover specials, but I always feel like the plotting gets a bit overbearing in the attempt to make everything add up. In this case, I really had to work to get the soiled toilet paper from Poo Blog to end up in Goth Blog. This still probably gets the nod over Goth Blog 3 because I got to show off my cursive skills for the Pretty Princess Blog (Goth blog 4.5) conclusion. It also features Khaine’s classic comeback to Ms. Kockenlocker’s claim that she was just following the rules when she took away his cape in class:
Of course, I think we all know another group that claimed they were “just following orders”. Thus, with my new-found boldness, I delivered a parting “that’s what the orcs said too” as I left the room.
4.) Goth Blog 3 – Love Does Not Come Free
I wouldn’t think of this one as the “worst” Goth Blog, but rather as the “4th best” Goth Blog! My only real complaint was that the second half was all setup for the Fall Formal Crossover Special conclusion that didn’t really take the promising first date fallout from the first day anywhere. Either way, there were still plenty of goth Blog gems, like Khaine’s KFC date with Thorn where he desperately tries to “keep it goth”:
While delicious, it was decidedly less than unholy, though I do hope that Thorn at least noticed that I only ordered “dark” meat chicken.
Check out all the Goth Blogs in order here: https://www.isleyunruh.com/?cat=4
Super bad penis drawings?
If anyone knows anything about me, it’s that I’ve drawn some dicks in my time. Now, I know my penis pictures aren’t the best, but I don’t know if I’d go so far as to call them “super bad” either. I figured I’d go ahead and draw a few examples, but unfortunately my parent’s computer doesn’t have photoshop. Still, not to be deterred, I thought I’d tray a quaintly titled program called “MS Paint.” So, as an example of my skill (and the variety of dongs in my cock drawing arsenal), here are four of my favorites:
In order we have:
- The basic “one line” penis. Just draw a “3” and add another loop and you’ve got a classic quick penis picture! The same principle works on a keyboard (with the addition of an “equals” sign of course): c=3
- The advanced penis. You can see the addition of a pee hole, ball hairs, veins, pubes, jizm drops and the “door knob” variation really helps “flesh out” the more basic model. Not to be attempted by beginners.
- I call this front forward variation “the bulldog.” Notice how the ball hairs really spice up any dick picture.
- The full figured model. Nailing the expression is equally important in this kind of picture.
Best internet boobs?
You know, I try not to encourage these kinds of searches for Mailbag Monday (I get enough horrible porn searches from Jock Blog), but I figure this one was innocent enough! After all, who wouldn’t want to see the best internet boobs!? Anyway, I probably could have picked a better day than “dial-up” edition to do this one, but I figured if people in third world countries (and rural Kansas) have to get their porn off of a dial-up connection then I could “rough it” too. And I think I found something pretty hot stuff…scroll down and judge for yourselves (NSFW obv):
Not bad huh?? Though, while I was waiting the 20 minutes for this picture to download, 1995 called (thus interrupting my download and forcing me to sign on and start the whole process again)…it wanted its internet porn back.
Additional facts about Isley Unruh:
1) His sex is slowly switching polarity due to overdose of romcoms and yoga.
2)We all know why he likes drawing dicks so much (don’t ever play a game of telephone pictionary with him.