Mailbag Monday 9

Hello dear readers, it’s MAILBAG MONDAY again!  On this special day I will search through my mountain of reader mail and answer the five most pressing questions!

What’s that you say?  Do I really get that much mail?  Well, I’ll admit…the contact sectionof this website doesn’t get used that often, but, one of the perks of wordpress stats is that I can see the google search terms that people use to find my site.  And I’m going to go ahead and pretend that these search terms will count as reader mail, since they are often entered in the form of a question.  So as you read these, remember that each “question” was something that someone actually typed into google that brought up my site as a hit which they then clicked on thus letting wordpress stats report to me the search they used to find my site.  I could make up the questions myself, but it turns out the actual google searches are far better than anything I could come up with!

This time I answer the questions:

• Fucking dinosaurs?
• Fucking lasers?
• Fuck your hobbits?
• What brand of pipe weed did merry and pippin smoke?
• Does “isley unruh” look fart in these pants?

So, without further ado, it is time to dig into the old Mailbag to see what kind of things have been on my reader’s minds in the last month!

Fucking dinosaurs?

Man, tell me about it.  Every time I try to do something fun or exciting, some fucking dinosaur has to make it not that way.  I mean it’s bad enough…  Oh, wait, I think I totally just missed the point of your letter…how embarrassing!  Well it didn’t take me too long searching around the internet to find this picture:

I had to strategically censor some (dinosaur) parts (this is a family blog after all), but yeah, there you go you, enjoy!

Fucking lasers?

Well, I looked all over the internet for pictures of Lasers “doin it” and this was about the closest thing I found:

I hope that will do it for you in place of actual “laser on laser” action!

Fuck your hobbits.

Ok, first of all, no, I’m not doing a photoshop for this one.

Second, is this a response to Middle Earth Monday?  Because, I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again: that feature isn’t going anywhere! Granted, the reader response has been less than stellar…and my hate-mailbag has been full of letters like the following:

“I didn’t even get through the first sentence before my eyes glazed over on this one.”

“I spent 3 hours on Google Maps trying to figure out where the fuck that lake you were talking about was at before I finally realized it was some made up shit from fairy rainbow land.”

“I’ve watched reality shows that were more productive uses of my time.”

“Not another fucking elf.”

“Rómendacil II was known as Minalcar at the time when he destroyed the great Easterling army in 1240 T.A.  He only took the name Rómendacil II AFTER that great victory.  If you are going to dabble in the realm of fictional cartography, please make sure you have your facts straight.”

“Let me guess, you play the recorder?”

Still, www.isleyunruh.com does not bow to the demands of terrorist, so Middle Earth Monday will bravely march on.  Just be glad that I don’t make every Monday “Middle Earth Monday”.

What brand of pipe weed did merry and pippin smoke?

You know what? I’m not going to let the previous letter go.  You guys want to keep complaining, here’s a little taste of Middle Earth Monday creeping into Mailbag Monday.  Keep it up and I really will make every Monday “Middle Earth Monday”!

So, thank you for your question!

In the memoirs of Meriadoc Brandybuck, he suggests that the original pipe weed was brought from over the sea by the Men of Westernesse long before Shire Reckoning.  Then, from the lowland banks of the Anduin it made its way north until, as legend has it, the Bree land Hobbits first put weed to pipe–though it was not until about 1070 Shire Reckoning (about 350 years before the events in The Lord of the Rings) that the first true “homegrown” was harvested by Tobald Hornblower in the Southfarthing.

As for the brand that Merry and Pippin prefered, they were quite excited to find in the Isengard stores some of the Hornblower brand (not the original Tobald’s weed of course, but that of his descendants) Longbottom leaf from the particularly excellent 1417 crop, so that was obviously a favorite brand of theirs.  Of course, old Toby and Southern Star brands were also particularly enjoyed by everyone’s two favorite Hobbits.

Does “isley unruh” look fart in these pants?

Ok, I’d like you to step back and take a look at what you wrote because I am having a hard time figuring out what you are trying to say.  I know English isn’t the first language of *all* my friends, so I don’t want to make too much fun of you here, but as near as I can piece together, you farted in a particular pair of pants and you want to know if I will look in them?

Well, this video aside:

…you can’t actually SEE farts (if you can it isn’t a “fart” anymore).  So yeah, nice try, but I quit falling for the old “will you look in these pants” trick around the same time I quit falling for the old “that jar smells funny, you should check it out” trick.*

*[edit] Oh goddamnit…ok, I just had the pun explained to me–good one.  …apparently I am the one who doesn’t understand the English language.