The genre of Heavy Metal is absolutely no stranger to homoerotic album covers. For every album cover featuring an un-erotically posed dragon or wizard, there are at least TWO covers featuring oiled-up, ridiculously over-muscled barbarian dudes, standing there, “sword” out, nuts tooched, and completely overshadowing any half-clothed women that might be wrapped around their legs like an out of place beard peeking through the layers of body oil and manly musk.
However, metal’s penchant for “treading water in a sea of retarded sexuality” (to the point at which they sail their leather bondage gear wrapped chests right past straight to gay again) is not just limited to Manowar album covers. In fact, the biggest hawtbed of inadvertent homoerotic album art can actually to be found in the NSBM (National Socialist Black Metal) underground.
Obviously, this post is written with a tongue firmly placed between the cheeks, but, can National Socialist (aka NAZI) ANYTHING be funny? Is laughing uproariously at gay (by which I, of course, mean “actually homoerotic”) album covers actually homophobic? Perhaps…but, importantly, I’m not over here making fun of Madonna’s “Justify my Love” video, I’m over here making fun of insecure man-children inadvertently giving their fan base a lot of uncertain feelings RE: Arnold Schwarzenegger movies.
Also, with Rob Halford coming out of the closet, heavy metal fans collectively moved forward on LGBT issues at least 25 years as we, as one, said: “well, I guess I DO have a gay friend!” Things are by NO means ideal, but metal fans have come a long way, and, to be honest, making fun of Manowar album covers is kind of tired at this point. However, if the overwhelmingly pejorative use of “gay” (and other more robust slurs) from the “right wing” NWN Productions forum users is an indication, any potential enlightening of metal fans seems to have completely passed the NSBM community by. Which is to say, the ground upon which these covers could be made fun of is as fertile as a laundry basket full of a teenage metalhead’s socks.
Honorable Mention 1: Totenkopf Kommando – Fight for the Sign of Swastika
This makes the Honorable Mention section for two reasons. One, the cover isn’t thaaaaat homoerotic (thigh-high boots aside), and two, Totenkopf Kommando is most likely a joke band (at the very least–and I’m definitely calling foul on it coming out in 1996) that knew exactly what they were doing with this cover.
What DID they do with this cover? As it turns out, they used a drawing by the famous erotic artist Tom of Finland, colored one of the dudes black, and then added in some swastikas and xeroxed it about 50 times:
As troll jobs go, not bad. Unfortunately the “music” is mostly just 20 minutes of harsh noise wall over black metal tremolo riffs of dubious quality, so not much to get excited about on this one (aside from dem asses).
Honorable Mention 2:
Satanic Warmaster/Archgoat – Lux Satanae split album
This one gets an honorable mention due to Satanic Warmaster being super fucking popular–which makes them kind of fly under the radar as to their Nazi tendencies (which are many and varied). Anyway, they don’t really fit with most of the other, more swazie-forward bands on this post. Still, this cover is just way too gay to pass up discussing.
Because this is the work of Christopher Moyen, famed metal artist who has drawn many goats and pentagrams in his time, most metalheads somehow completely overlooked just how homoerotic this cover actually is.
I mean, just look at it: that wolf and goat apparently drank a few too many chalices of Boon’s Farm and ended up getting so trashed that they found themselves touching tips behind a table while double-stroking a totally phallic cross and making ridiculous O-faces. That altar isn’t the only surface that’s going to have passionate claw marks in it before the night is over.
5. Granatus – Magno Magistro Inferni
Nude classical art is by far the most common NSBM cover motif (followed by: WWII photos, pictures of wolves, and Blond White Women™). Which, muscly Greek dudes, in and of themselves, are, of course, pretty gay, but Granatus takes the whole Hot Black Metal Art (heretofore: Hot BM Art) concept to a whole new level with this one.
In their 138 official releases (yes, 138, underground NSBM is fucking ridiculous) Granatus returns to the Hot BM Art well repeatedly, but their 2015 Magno Magistro Inferni demo is definitely the frosting on the biscuit with its depiction of three hawt dudes all trying to grasp a giant central phallus at the same time.
I feel like the angles are wrong for any kind of real daisy-chain action under the bottom frame, but you know there is at least a bit of, to use GranatVs’ [sic] preferred Latin, phallus bumpus onna rumpus going on.
4. Nécropole – Solarité
I suppose there was supposed to be some kind of “Overman™ defeats dark-skinned outsider” thing going on here, but all I can see is some Hotzi rubbing dicks with a demon while administering the sassiest choke hold of all time.
Extra points for fucking NAILING a booty tooch that would have made Tyra Banks proud:
Minus a few points because, on closer examination, that’s probably a centaur, and, despite what Boris Vallejo thinks, that’s not where centaur dicks are.
3. Balmung/Einsatzgruppen – Enter the Hyperborean Forest of Hatred split album
Now we’re getting into the really silly shit. And sure, bros tenderly putting their arms around each other while never breaking meaningful eye contact isn’t necessarily gay, your typical NSBM fan probably wouldn’t even sit in a movie theater with at last two seats between them and the nearest man, so, all things being equal, these dudes are basically docking.
This is on the record label Winter Solace, the Alex Jones of NSBM record labels, so there is a chance that they were well aware how little this cover looks like entering a Hyperborean Forest of Hatred™, but, on the other hand, this is on Winter Solace, so they were probably not aware at all of how ridiculous this looks.
Also, unlike Totenkopf Kommando above, the unfortunately named “Ball”-Mung and the trying-way-too-hard named Einsatzgruppen both appear to be actual, serious, bands…you know, as far as underground NSBM goes.
2. Aryan Rogue – Reinrassig
Here we are with more Hot BM Art, except this time the band decided to go with a picture of three dudes about to mash their dickheads together (only, one of them appears to have jumped the gun, while the other seems to be having some performance issues). I’m not familiar with whatever Atlasean/Sisyphean task they were actually supposed to be doing with that giant rock, but, there’s no doubt that that the brunette is at least getting a good old fashioned jab-domen to the abdomen.
And yes, that says “Demo 17.” As I said, the NSBM underground is fucking ridiculous.
1. Totenburg/Menneskerhat – Waffenbrüder split album
Here it is, the most gloriously homoerotic of all underground NSBM album covers. This has it all, Hot BM Art, cuddling, naked Hotzis, and a dude DEFINITELY getting the back of his hand mushroom-stamped.
Best of all, Totenburg is a fairly “big” band in the NSBM scene (there are even 1,750 copies of this album out there, a frankly unheard of total for most of these bands), so I kind of doubt there is really any trolling here. Which conjures up all manner of images of confused Nazi-bros trying to rationalize this album cover to each other: “no no, they are WAFFENBRUDERs, that makes it totally not gay!”
Playlist
Finally, what would a post full of ridiculous metal shit be without a playlist to finish things off. So, read on to see what kind of music a gloriously nude Hotzi would listen to while standing hand to hand with a fellow Waffenbrüder.
9 Comments
https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:DR_1938_662_Volksabstimmung_%C3%96sterreich.jpg
What I made the original cover image from
Also, The conspiracy to destabilize/terminate the reproductive cycle of humanity through massive social engineering/contamination of the water supply began well before the alien metaphysical shape-shifting entities that would eventually come to be known as “Globalists” allowed Hitler to rise to power to bring about the Second World War. The purpose of his National Socialist campaign was to allow for the creation of the state of Israel to continue the worldwide destabilization campaign resulting in the fractured false reality all of humanity is currently imprisoned within. The reason you assume me to be the “Alex Jones Of NSBM” is because you’ve been unable to undo the shackles within your own mind, believe that the reality we live in is real (when it’s actually a prison) and assume free will to be something other then an illusion.
It’d also be a shame if the world were to learn the truth about Totenkopf Kommando.
Anyways copies still in stock, thanks for the promotion.
I don’t know a lot about Alex Jones, but you DO seem to share a lot of his ideas…he’s the guy that says the water is turning the frogs gay, right?
Either way, despite all the poking fun (which, surely, some part of you must realize is justified?), half of the releases on your label are actually pretty fantastic underground gems–that usually end up quite high on my year end best of lists…the other half…I guess is stuff that my race-traitor mind is not sufficiently freed to appreciate I guess… 😉
LOL, Yes. I’m probably one of the few black metal guys with a sense of Humor, underground stuff like this is always somewhat goofy.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Atrazine
Atrazine is a chemical added to water as part of a treatment program and studies are coming out showing that it has altered or degraded the Hormonal behavior of Amphibians causing numerous issues with development and breeding.
My label is a mixed bag, I’ve released over 300 tapes and I doubt it is possible for one person to like them all. Some stuff works, some doesn’t.
Einsatz full length is going to eventually happen, he knows the world needs one. Sworn to Blood & The Great One will probably be onto CD by the end of the year. I also released the album “Azoth” by his other project Satanic Prophecy. Some guys told me you was a fan, I saw Jugra in one of your mix lists.
I’ll check out some of his other projects too, their half of that Balmung split was really strong. I loved that Jugra S/T–black metal mixed with RAC is always down my alley (I’m less into their straight RAC stuff on Alif Ba Ta). I also thought that Losung Krieg was fucking VICIOUS…I don’t think it quite held together for the whole album, but it’s been a while since I’ve heard black metal with that much hateful energy.
Yeah, Jugra third album is all RAC. Newest one he make is all Black Metal I guess. That LK material was two demos I think on CD, kid of that band was mentally handicapped.
Heil, I’m a (closeted) gay NSBM fan so appreciated this post.
Few followup questions for Winter Solace — if Atrazine causes issues for Amphibians’ breeding, why would Globalist lizard people put it into the water supply, thereby potentially messing with their own sex organs? Or can they shape-shift mutated penii back into original form? Or do they not reproduce in the traditional manner? Are there gay Reptilians?
Thanks!
Just wanted to point out the Ivy League source where Atrazines negative effects first originated–Harvard.
https://ui.adsabs.harvard.edu/abs/2002PNAS…99.5476H/abstract
A man named Tyrone Hayes from the prestigious University actually pioneered the study of this phenomenon. Guess what, big chem, you know, great guys like those agrochemical liars and deviants at Monsanto (the lovely makers of “Roundup”, or Glyphosate as it’s known) threw millions in to
bring up “experts and doctors” discredit Mr. Hayes near two decades of work exposing the dangerous chemical Atrazine.
Anyway, facts not being cast aside I love the “I don’t really know a lot about Alex Jones” comments that generally never follow someone who tries to discredit him or cast shade for whatever reason they heard some MSM source or “cool edgey internet dweeb” they follow do the same thing. The problem with this line of thinking is why we have these above mentioned chemicals to be allowed to exist in the first place. We trust our lying Governments and the millions paid to them by their lobbying constituents to “do the right thing”… This is where FACTS actually matter most. Because what people like Alex Jones do is READ these University studies and white papers exposing this garbage for what it is, “soft kill” methods to millions on Earth. They control it all from education and prøpagandizing the youth and old alike to sterilization and outright Abortive murder of entire races of people. The unfunny part about the Alex Jones controversy is he has been proven right 98% of the time months, years, decades later, time and time and time again but the MSM sources who are paid to discredit him. He also is NOT a racist! Or I wouldn’t listen to him! He detests racism! He isn’t “Far Right” either! He hates the far right. The Neo-Con fools like George H.W. Bush and his son “Dubya” and actively campaigned against them. But it’s not about left or right today. It’s about GLOBALISM and the fight against their depopulation of the Earth thru their elitist Technocratic Eugenics. You see, if you follow Alex or are interested in how things really work you do like he does. You read the books of these kinds of Elitist Technocratic scumbags and learn the history of who runs the globe. You listen to their words, their interviews, you read the white papers and fact based science they fight against published by credible recognized sources like Mr. Hayes who exposes these things, he’s one of Thousands… I won’t go off into all the details of why this is like it is or how because that’s your decision to take that journey and learn the truth. I will close with this:
Why if Alex Jones is some “crazy, a conspiracy nut” did these powers that be deplatform him and try to silence him? They didn’t ever do that to well known terror organizations who openly hate gays, murder and mutilate women with “honor killings” or cut off their clitoris and sex organs, traffic slaves, blow themselves and their neighbors to bits with IEDs. They seem more like a real danger to let them have a voice, yet many still do… So why ever deplatform a “mad man who sounds like he’s full of shit”? You don’t, you let them have all the rope they want to “hang themselves” and the public will see they’re “liars”. The problem is, Alex Jones isn’t an evil racist liar who sees false flags everywhere the media tries to make him out to be, infact he keeps being proven right! Sure he is a man that makes mistakes like any other BUT you don’t shut people up, and try to discredit those unless they’re telling the TRUTH, period.
Anyway his brand and voice is alive and well at
http://www.Banned.video
If you want a little showmanship with your dose of truth about the war against these anti-humanist, transhumanist Technocratic scum check him out. You can learn about folks like Klaus Schwab, the Soros’, Gates, A. Fauchi, their minions, the rest of the sociopathic swine who love to use their divide and conquer tactics to keep people who love freedom, free markets, liberty, and unity down. Just use sparingly, Alex Jones takes a little getting use to and you’ll learn what’s hyperbole and not pretty quick. Want to see the real Alex Jones check these interviews out and they’re fucking hilarious as well with Joe Rogan:
2nd interview
https://youtu.be/-5yh2HcIlkU
3rd interview
https://youtu.be/jdVso9FSkmE
The Flagrant 2 interview and appearance by Alex was a masterpiece but You Tube deplatformed the video.
Here’s their explanation:
If you can find the whole video it’s FUCKING hilarious.
https://youtu.be/PuBDOULIsyw
By the way, the album covers and the “art” used in the sculptures that hit around the pre and into the post modern eras are DEFINITELY STRRRRRONG on the side of being Cartman from Southpark interpretation of Gheeeeeyhey! Or Ta-Gay or flat out Nazi butt love Gayness… Which brings me to a point I love to contend against much like Alex Jones does himself. There is no “Zionist Conspiracy” to rule the world or Freemasons either for that fact. I’ve worked in law enforcement and then in the military, then around even more areas that in had access to sensitive info and people “protecting” those in power (some good, most not so much). What I learned was how the system really works in as who “controls” it and I can tell my ignorant, moronic anti-Jewish aquaintances or litany of self professed “Christian’s” that “ZIONISTS” don’t rule the world banks, military and Government intelligence agencies, the police or anything else in some broad reaching “Jew Conspiracy”. Sure there are bad Jews but there are bad everyone and my friend Alex Jones would wholeheartedly agree. Also that Q Anon is garbage and a Government disinfo op at best. Who actually runs the world are the the technocrats and Technocratic firms and Banks by families as old as time (who had the most Intel and be money) they’re predominantly made up of Luciferian (the real bad Satanists who rape and murder children and drink and transfuse their blood–true facts currently being confirmed if anyone is interested by some fairly famous MMA fighters and comedians of whom some have been “suicided”) but these aren’t the majority and are a specialized group and most of these Eugenicists are just your everyday super rich agnostic science believers who put their faith in a coming A.I. revolution and takeover. There will be an A.I. religion and God (for some there already is in these circles). They will upload their minds and conscious into this A.I. system integrated with cybernetics and robotics. Look up the Neuralink tech of implanting tiny wires with thousands of sensors points into your brain that’s being pushed by Elon Musk. This tech is nothing new and the military has been using it and employing it in special operations for almost three decades beginning with the officer class who were the on the ground commanders for the Teams and Units in the Army and Navy (don’t ask me how I know this) but most of what I’m telling you is verifiable. It’s just stuff people don’t openly talk about, can sometimes be classified, but for the most part the white papers, DARPA projects, ivy league school reattach l research and reports are out there…
Anyway I’m getting off on a rabbit trail. So thousands of RACIST idiots are out there on the left and the right but what people need to worry about is not what someone is called or affiliated with but the content of their character and their actions. Are they scumbag GLOBALIST murdering warmongers who hate humanity, want to sterilize, mutilate, obliterate, starve, rape, and imprison innocent women, children, elderly folks and men who just want to be free and make a decent living to have shelter and food for their families and selves??? Then we need to expose those doing this to humanity and imprison them and try them in places like the Hague and Nuremberg or military militia tribunal. They aren’t trying to hide themselves but are in the media all the time. What these Nazis and other ignorant fools need to do is stop blaming Zionists because they aren’t the bad guys. We know who the bad guys are and I’ve worn the uniforms and identified the scum after years of working around their lackeys. So drop the racism and smarten up there producer of NSBM “music” on whose running the show. It’s an evil Cabal of many diverse backgrounds and cultures with one common goal. Death to the peons.
Oh and if anyone wants to see a great movie on what many of these people in these Elitist positions who aren’t busy studying their communications and the government grants to prestigious medical universities like John Hopkins to communicate thru group DMT drip trips (you can look it up if you don’t believe me the University studies are online) with these Interdimentional beings or (demons/aliens) they call “The Elves” where a great deal of modern technology has come from then they are trying to “Transcend” this mortal coil. Watch the Johnny Depp movie by the same name “Transcendence” to see what these træns-humanists really believe they’re going to achieve someday and bypass and spit in the eye of The Creator of the universe but like in the movie it really WON’T be them but an evil A.I. imposter of the “former man”. I’m serious about all this, you look into this stuff and you’ll read these elitists own words, books, research, their foundations, what they donate to the study and advancements of and the directions it drives and pushes the world leaders who work for them. Once you gain the wisdom about this or experience working in these areas and see what man is doing and capable of doing it will blow your mind, disgust you, intrigue you, change your life. Follow Dr. Steven Greers works on the subjects of quantum mechanics and physics, aliens, other dimensions, the men who work in these fields and the hundreds of interviews he’s done with civilian and military Government contractors and employees who’ve worked on parts the most advanced technology in the universe. Your mind will be blown. Anyway, take care, hope everyone gets to expand their conscientiousness and understanding of the universe and gain a little more peace in life and unity and care with their neighbors.
And sorry if my paragraphs are garbage. Typing on this phone does not lend itself to good word structure.
There is NO secret Zionist cabal that runs the world? Agree 100%
Oligarchs actually rule the world? Eh, probably.
Johnny Depp movies hold the key to interdimensional demonic roots of our technology? I highly doubt it.
You typed all this on a phone? THIS, is a conspiracy too far…