The Art of Trolling 1: Phrozen gonna get PAID

Welcome to the start of a brand new www.isleyunruh.com  series, “The Art of Trolling.” Here, in this semi-regular examination into the sordid world of online trolling, I will attempt to pass on the knowledge that I have gained from years of acting like a dick on the internet.

I will warn you, these dark waters are not for mariners of faint constitutions.  Like a physical altercation, if your foray into trolling does not end with you feeling bad for your victim, you haven’t done it correctly.  “Trolling” is really just a nice word for “acting like a sociopath,” so I can take no responsibility for what you do with the knowledge you gain from this series.

In this first installment, I will discuss the various ways in which my troll of a bunch of “horrorcore” rappers was both a success and a failure.

“Getting your ass trolled hard” can be triggered in all kinds of different ways, but by far the most common way to end up on the receiving end of a good trolling is to simply “have a public online outburst.” This signals to any potential trolls lurking in the area that you are a candidate who is already ripe for committing that most cardinal of all online sins, the first of all web fuck-ups: ARGUING ON THE INTERNET.

Never do this.  I repeat, NEVER argue on the internet.  This is rule number 1. By showing that you care enough about something to argue about it, you have instantly entered into a no-win situation. Why no-win? Because arguing with a troll is not a real argument.  There is no winner.  Trolls don’t care about anything except for your raising blood pressure.

To illustrate this point (and as an example of a few common pitfalls for the troll themselves), I will look at an example that started with a blog post written by Jessica of ABiaT fame back in 2009.  Here is the original post:

“Nobody saw what would come next.”

Christ, cnn.com, are you even pretending to be a real news source anymore? “But it must have been totally awesome, I bet, in a really bad way, I mean, of course. God bless us all. Nancy Grace speculates on how much blood was on the walls, tonight at 8!”

I bet Phrozen Body Boy is really fucking pumped about all this free publicity though, you know?

And “Jesus told me to do it.” Man, that stinky rascal’s kind of hilarious. I mean, he obviously doesn’t believe that, and probably isn’t even smart enough to be saying it to lay the groundwork for an insanity plea or anything – he’s just a little 15-year-old horrorcore rapper trying to stick it to Jesus. But now this tiny little Virginia city has brought in an “occult specialist” to reassure everyone that, no, that wasn’t Jesus, must have been Satan, and now suddenly every poor goth in that high school is EFFED. They’re going to be finding “hit lists” in their lockers for months. Poor bastards.

Actually, “Poor House Road” is a really great name for a street, too. Man, whoever writes the true crime novel about this is going to have a field day.

As you can see, Jessica is merely trying to make a point about the sensationalized coverage of a murder by CNN.  Of course, not everyone saw it this way, especially not “Phrozen Body Boy,” who quickly commented on her post (after googling himself in connection with the murder apparently) in order to make his displeasure clear about Jessica’s quick joke about his ridiculous name:

Phr0zen

How dare you accuse me of being “really fucking pumped about all this free publicity” as you put it!! You don’t know me so don’t start making assumptions over a situation or a person you don’t know shit about! If I wanted publicity I would’ve done every interview that came my way and I haven’t done a single one! This is the closest thing to a response to any of the situation! Emma was a close and dear friend to me and I’m still heartbroken! I was fortunate enough to meet Mel once and she was an amazing girl! I didn’t even release my tribute track emma on myspace. Why? Because I didn’t want anyone to every accuse me of “just wanting free promo”. So how did you come up with the idea I was “fucking pumped” about any of this? I wasn’t ever listed as an act on the bill from any news source until a couple days ago and I was fucking shocked at that! Quit making assumptions on shit over people you don’t know!
-Phr0zen-

Needless to say, my troll sense was immediately tingling–if tingling is a word that could be used to describe giant flashing lights and sirens. Now, first, some might object to me taunting a man who had just claimed to be grieving (and waiting to release his tribute track for a not “too soon” date).  But, in addition to being dumb enough to take a throwaway joke at the expense of his very silly name way too seriously, let’s be honest here.  The dude sings about stuff like this murder ALL THE TIME, so fucking nut up and own that shit Phrozen.  Maybe you are a nice sweet guy in real life, but if you sing about stuff like this, no fair getting pissed when some random person on the internet insinuates that you might be a bit callous about death.  With my rationalization for my urge to capitalize on someone’s suffering out of the way, I replied with this comment:

Necroluva

Ok, so lets talk about what’s going on here.  First rule of trolling, do your research! Nothing will sell your attempt to escalate a situation better than actually having some plausible information (like the dates and lineup of Deathfest III) to back up your troll.  Second, come up with a good hook! In this case, it is the idea that there is an up and coming horrorcore rapper named Strangulator out there talking mad shit on Phrozen.  Third, careful with your use of vernacular, it can either sell your troll, or make your troll very obvious, and I’m pushing it with this post as it is.

So, let’s see if it worked:

Phr0zen

Direct hit!  For you novice trolls out there, don’t worry about that “I’m not commenting on this shit anymore” stuff, they never mean it.  In this case, Phrozen merely forwarded the link to his friends to pick up the commenting for him. Here’s red33:

red33