Because today marks the 10-year anniversary for one of my silliest blog posts, I thought I would revisit the idea, only THIS time, I’d fully commit. I am speaking of my infamous (for certain definitions of the word) attempt back in 2008 to start a new blog series with my post “Extreme Metal Radio Edits 1: Slayer – Bedfull of Kittens.” The idea was that I would playfully (like a bed full of kittens) alter (or ALTAR to make a 10 year old joke, again) the lyrics of Slayer’s classic “Altar of Sacrifice” to make the song be about playing with a bedfull of kittens. The new lyrics I came up with were funny enough, but, the “sing to the tune of” idea was just too much work, especially for non-Slayer fans. What I really wanted to do was come up with homonyms for every single word in the song, but that was obviously impossible as most thrash vocals are far too clear for something like that. Thus, I preemptively shelved the whole idea (aside from the time I “mistranslated” a Latin Pergolesi joint to have it be about swan fucking) for a decade.
However, in the back of my mind, I knew I would someday return to “Extreme Metal” and the hilarity of misheard song lyrics (mondegreens if you want to be a pretentious ass). Which brings us to today’s song, a “radio edit” of the Carcass classic “Exhume to Consume,” this time switching out all of their usual dictionary porn cannibalism with the story of someone who is a petty grammar nazi on the internet. 10 years in the making, I give you, Carcass – “To Who or to Whom”:
Getting here wasn’t easy. My first thought when I started was that just about any death metal song would work as the vocals were all so indecipherable. However, I was halfway through jotting down some ideas for changing Impetigo’s “Boneyard” into the story of a person who was super pumped that they just got their 10th punch on a promo card at their local pastry shop…
Impetigo – “Scone Card”
Searching for my scone card,
a delish coupon treat
it counts up all the crullers
and pastries I’ve tried
a score of steaming donuts
has filled my card once more
Forty or four hundred, I’ve lost count
One by one they meet their doom
Though only after I’ve eaten my greens
my coupon is my scone card
the twentieth scone is free
…when I realized that the vocals were WAY too clear for this to work.
After briefly flirting with the idea of doing a Lord Worm era Cryptopsy song (too easy), I finally settled on Carcass (I’d like to stick with the classics for these posts). Bill Steer’s (pictured above, cheesing it behind Jeff Walker’s angry grammar nazi brandishing a copy of Strunk & White’s Elements of Style) voice on Symphonies of Sickness is just muffled enough to have some leeway for rewriting the lyrics, while staying recognizable enough that the words could have plausibly been sung by him instead of just assigning words over random grunts. For some reason “Exhume to Consume” jumped out as sounding like “to whom” which then gave me my theme (which worked well with Carcass’ focus on sounding like they write songs by cutting out random words from a medical dictionary).
There were, however, still two problems: one, Steer’s voice was still pretty clear, which created no end of headaches finding plausible words to replace the lyrics with, and, two, there were WAY too many words in this goddamn song. Still, never one to turn down a challenge, I bravely pushed forward and turned THIS:
Carcass – “Exhume to Consume”
Grimly I dig up the turfs
To remove the corrupted stiffs
Trying to contain my excitement
As I desecrate graveolent crypts…
Fingers claw at coffin lids
Eager festal exhumation
Hugging your wry, festered remains
With post-humous joy and elation…
Body snatched, freshly interred
Whatever takes my fancy
To satisfy my gratuitous pica
My culinary necromancy…
Scrutinised then brutalised
My forensic inquisition is fulfiled
My recipe is now your epitaph
Be it fried, boiled or grilled…I devour the pediculous corpse
Whetting my palate as I exhume
The festering stench of rotting flesh
Makes me drool as I consume…Caskets I grate
My larder’s a grave
I’m sickly obsessed (with the badly decomposed)
Rotten remains I eat
Purulent meat
What a funeral feast (putrid reek)Weeping tissue is stripped
Pus dribbles from my lips
Pulverising this pustular chaff
Butchering up morgue’s makes me laugh…Ulcerated flesh I munch
Rotting corpses are my lunch
On bones I love to crunch (on the badly decomposed)
Shrivelled innards I lick
The corpse’s head I kick
Crumbling shreds I pick (eat the stiffs)
[Solo: morbid melody for the deceased with salt to taste]Rancid flesh, slaughter the dead
– Caskets exhumed…
Corpses disinterred, graves disturbed
– To consume…Bereaved relatives are not amused
As on their dear departed I feverishly consume…Slavering worms, decomposure burns
Corrosion born, as bacteria gnawDesecrate…
Precipitate….(from the muddy grave)
Macerate…
Eviscerate…Caskets I grate
My larder’s a grave
I’m sickly obsessed (with the badly decomposed)
Rotten remains I eat
Purulent meat
What a funeral feast (putrid reek)Saponified fats, nibbled by rats
– freshly exhumed…
Deep down six feet is where I like to eat
– Human flesh to consume…
Into THIS:
Carcass – “To Who or To Whom”
Gladly I take up the task
To remove grammatic slips
Trying to contain my excitement
As I demonstrate phrasing tricks
Fingers scrawl with confidence
Correctional exhibition
Cockily will I manifest my brains
Voluminous cephalization…
I smash, deficient trolls
“Whomever” mistakes are my fancy
Decipher the gratuitous pronoun
By thread necromancy…
Scrutinized then revised
Victory distressing your feels
Inaccuracy is now your epitaph
Your pride, foiled for real…I devour the precipitous corpus
Whetting my palate at the next who
The fissuring switch of word picks
Writing who and not to whom…Tortured phrase
Defies belief
You must address (the words you’ve mistransposed)
Outrage for each
Idiotic breach
I feel offense (grammar foul)Rude abuse, it slips
Rushing from my lips
Patronizing this particular gaffe,
It always makes me laugh…High pressure barbs
Refresher on words
Cuts ego into thirds (poor grammar is exposed)
Some things I click
Cause you’re the hick
Whose threads I pick (to proof reaaaad)[Solo: pedantic polyphony for the unschooled with trolling to taste]
Ranting fresh, shutters the thread
– Can’t say “WHO”…
Curse this word, phrase disturbed
– Should be “WHOM”…Pleb heretics are not amused
Tact is departed, I take you to school…Slandering words, sick poser burns
Correction born, by grammarian law (miscarried text)Disgraced…
Precipitates…(from your muddled stance)
Mess erased…
Eviscerates…Tortured phrase
Defies belief
You must address (the words you’ve mistransposed)
Outrage for each
Idiotic breach
I feel offense (grammar foul)It’s bona fide facts, that fuel my wraths
– It’s not “WHO”…
The drastic ways, that I write to each:
-“Verb object you fooooool”
This really was FAR more work than I ended up wanting to take on (next time will be a quarter this amount of lyrics), but, again, when has taking the sane way out ever been an option for this website? Still, until next time, I think that’s probably enough silliness for today!
3 Comments
This is fantastic. Like, really, really great job.
I’m pretty certain that Bill Steer is the primary vocalist on this one.
Oops, yeah, Walker does the high vocals, fixed.