From the pages of Goth Blog, here is the fourth installment of everyone’s favorite spinoff: Jock Blog 4 – Behind the Bathroom Door! That’s right, more wacky adventures from Khaine’s jock older brother, Chet!
(Warning, this is not for the weak stomached. I have culled knowledge gained from years of close contact with jocks in their natural habitat into what is actually a mostly hyperbole free post based on actual events. So yeah, jocks are filthy filthy people. You have been warned.)
Previously in Jock Blog:
Jock Blog 1 – A rash of “German Situps” sweeps the wrestling team. The fun is over when Chris is unable to control his ex-laxed bowels while tricking the assistant coach into doing one.
Jock Blog 2 – Eddie and Benny’s feud over who was a better runningback comes to a head when Eddie frames a rival school in Shadyville for his trashing of Benny’s sweet 1978 El Camino. Sadly, the boys’ plans for revenge gainst Shadyville end on a brown note.
Jock Blog 3 – The gang accidentally on purpose (but with the best intentions) destroys Center Valley High School’s September 11th memorial tree. After they are labeled terrorists by the school (though their identities are unknown) Margo finally breaks up with Chet and goes to the homecoming dance with his now ex-friend Ethan. Chet has his revenge when he covers the fall formal with catshit, though his prank is overshadowed by the fact that the gymnasium mysteriously burns down.
Monday, November 13
So you would think with the jew terorists burning down our gym over the weekend that we would have at least goten out of school today. But no, they had some special anouncment after the pledge of allegence, and the three optional prayers this morning that said if we canceled school that would mean the terorists had won. Am I the only person that kind of wishes the terorists could win every now and then? I mean seems like a terorist kind of thing to keep us in school to me anyway, so ask yourself this, who is the real terorist.
But yeah, I guess we is getting used to the way things is now. I mean me, and the guys still ain’t talking to Ethan, cause everyone knows you don’t plow another man’s feild, and him going after my girl a few days after we broke up is pretty much like pissing all over a feild that I had spent the last year plowing and fertilizing. And, really, I’m cool with not having Margo always bringing me down, I was ready to tear into some new stink anyway, and all her bitchy whining was really getting me down even though I was getting to raid the bait-locker regular with her.
Benny at least cheered us up, while we was watching them tear down the burnt out gymnasium during lunch, by telling us how he gave it to his old lady up the ass after church yesterday. We was all high fiving, but then he admitted that maybe he wasn’t sure if he did or not. Well, you can imagine we was confused cause everyone knows doing a chick in the ass is like the best thing ever, and how could he not know if he was or not??
But I guess he was stoned out of his mind at the time, and it was really dark in the portapoty in the construction zone behind the church, and all he could remember thinking was that it felt diferent and so he figured he had it in her but. Butt then he figured that if he was playing in the mud that she would have said something since they’d never done that before so maybe it wasn’t in her ass. But then he finally decided that maybe she liked in in her ass (all the girls in the movies we watch do afterall) and that’s why she wasn’t saying nothing and he figured even if for some reason he didn’t have it in her ass it felt like he did so he wasn’t gonna say nothing since it was close enough for him either way.
Well, Dane said that was very filosophical of him, and after we all talked about it some more we figured the only thing Benny could do was stick it in her dirty hole when he wasn’t blazed so he would know for sure which hole he had it in and then see if she said anything. Eddie also warned him to make sure he used a period towel or something cause he heard that doing a chick in the ass really stirs they’re shit up, and its like pulling the cork out of a shampain bottle when you pull out.
That kind of got us queit, but after thinking some more we all prety much agreed it would still totally be worth it.
You ever have those dreams where you are out on the football feild and every pass you throw is either a touchdown or a nutshot (both of which are basically awesome)? And then to make maters beter, after the game is over the girlfreinds of every guy on the other team leave they’re boyfreinds on account of because you made them look like homos, and then they find you in the locker room, and they all jump on your shit, and it turns out they all have removable false teeth, and want to have a blowjob contest just like in the movies? Well today was like one of those dreams coming true except it wasn’t no dream and I didn’t have to change my sheets when I woke up.
So yes, today was Steven Segal kicking the heads off unicorns awesome, and I am now going to explain why it was that awesome.
It all started with my idiot friend Chris who is normally stupider than he is dumb but this time he was smarter than he is stupider. See, all us guys know taking a shit can be pretty funny in the right situations, but Chris, man that guy loves shit more than normal people do. I’ve already talked about how he’s always throwing his ass hair dingleberries on peoples faces in the shower, and how he always has the shitruns, and ruined a lot of perfectly good shitboxes cause of that. Hell, when he was drunk one time he even told one of the guys that his secret fantasy was to take a huge shit while he was maxing out on squats so now we only spot him on the sides when he does squats just in case.
Anyway, even though he can be a little wierd about shiting, Chris can also be pretty awesome about shiting. He invented dive bombing after all! If you don’t know what dive bombing is, it is when you climb up on to the top of the stall walls and shit into the toilet from all the way up there. None of us guys is very good at hitting the toilet but Chris can nail that shit half the time, so he’s definitely the best dive bomber out of all of us. He even dive bombed an upper decker into the back tank of the retard bathroom toilet last year!
So when we was all watching the gymnasium burning after the dance he noticed that the cieling was like, hollow, for a couple feet up above the cieling tiles before it got to the roof and figured that it would be the best dive bomb ever if he could get into the cieling and shit from all the way up there.
I know what you are thinking, that is a pretty awesome thing to think of, but it was not the thing that was so awesome that I was practically ready to let Chris dive bomb a toilet I was shitting at myself (another dream of his). See, after Chris thought of this, me and Chris and Dane and Benny all went into the bathroom by the cafeteria after school to watch Chrises record breaking dive bomb. But after he climbed into the cieling, Chris for once in his life had more than shitting in new, and awesome ways on his mind, and started yelling for us to come up there.
After he finally convinced us he wasn’t trying to dive bomb us from the darkness, we crawled up into the hole in the cieling and this is when we realized Chris had found something even awesomer than the time we found that box of porno magazines, the rubber pussy, and the bottle of vaporub by the sewer grate out behind the retirement home.
The cieling was hollow here too just like it was in the burned out auditorium, but it didn’t just stop at our bathroom…you could walk along the concrete blocks that stoped right above the cieling tiles all over the North end of the school above the lunchroom kitchen area, including, and here is the fucking badass and/or sweet part, right over THE GIRL’S BATHROOM.
We could only stare at each other speechlessly as we realized the world of hot poontang viewing action that had just been opened to us.
It was too late in the day to see any naked chicks in the toilet stalls, but we are all super hyped for tomorrow. Just imagine if someone as balls-hot as Lindsey Miller was to use the bathroom while we were up there. Just imagine.
Thursday, November 16
I’m not even pissed about breaking up with Margo anymore cause things is going so great at the Top Box Theater. Thats what we is calling it now even though Chris wanted to call it the upper decker theater. But we all decided that that wasn’t right, even though upper deckering is about the most hilarious use of shit since the invention of a shit box, we needed a name that would capture the hotness of naked chicks, not something that had to do with bathrooms.
Anyways, we agreed not to tell anyone else since it was probably against school rules or something to spy on girls in the bathroom. Dane helped out a lot since he had kept a big back of disected fetal pigs in his locker that he stole from the biology class room last month. He said they was preserved so they wouldn’t go bad, but I don’t know…that hole side of the hall around his locker don’t smell right that’s for sure. Anyways, he put a bunch of pig guts in the retard stall that we use to climb up into the ceiling so no one tries to take a shit in it right when we need to get back out.
Even better than the pig guts is that we found a passage that went over the locked cafeteria storeroom. Benny and Chris helped lower me down by my feet and I was able to get a box of nutty bars, so we even has refreshments for the top box theater now!
I gotta say, its been great, but they is also parts that is not so great. So far all we’ve mostly seen is a couple fat chicks pissing and a ton of girls bitching about they’re boyfreinds. We even saw one chick take her tampon out (cept she was too fat to see any bush)…we couldn’t believe that they didn’t flush that nasty shit and just put all they’re used tampons into a box on the wall of the stall. Dane said we should steal one of those boxes of old tampons to like put under peoples car door handles and stuff, but Chris was the only one willing to grab a handfull from the box and he’s too fat to pull back up so we had to scrap that plan.
Anyway, its kind of hard to see through the vent over the toilet but we at least saw a few asses during the breaks that we were able to sneak up there, and we have more nutty bars than a motherfucker, so overall, The Top Box Theater is going pretty great.
Friday, November 17
There is many reasons why today is a worst day since Margo dumped me last week, and the fact that we can’t go to The Top Box Theater no more, and the fact that I got a facefull of shit for the third time in three weeks isn’t even the worst reasons.
I’ll just start with the start and you will see that things did not go so good by the end. First of all we all agreed to skip out lunch so we could see a maximum amount of naked chicks…I even stole another box of nutty bars (the zebra cakes were out of reach) since skiping lunch, and watching chicks piss is hungry work.
Now I know I only told a few people myself, but the rest of the guys must have told half the school, cause as the lunch period went on we kept getting more and more guys poking they heads into the top box theater. I mean it was ok when we had a few more guys from the wresteling team show up, but when people like that hairy little sophomore Todd Berkfeld showed up all breathing heavy and probably with little homo boner sticking into his tighty whitys it made the whole thing seem less romantic and more just kind of creepy.
Then is when the thing that happened that I don’t even want to talk about here but I will since the whole school probably knows by now. See Margo came in. And we had like 10 guys up there and we all got real queit cause she was talking about Ethan. And, well, she just came out and said that they hadn’t had sex cause she was married to god until she decided to get married to something with a real cock (not her exact words but pretty close). And her friends said that they heard me and her did it like all the time and she told em she only let me rubb it on her ass (and one time her armpit) cause I understood she couldn’t cheat on god.
So yeah. I’m always telling the guys about how much regular wool I get cause I was in a relationship and now they all found out I was full of shit and it was more like I was pulling ass crack (and one time an armpit) than wool.
I was so embarased I couldn’t even speak, and this was when Lindsey Miller, the hottest chick in our school walked into the bathroom.
We all just froze…this was what we’d been waiting for. She was so hot that even my gay ass brother Christian would probably get half a stock looking at her. And she was the kind of girl that had never let any guy even think about rubing on her ass crack (or armpit). And we were about to see her in all her glory…it was almost enough to make me forget the reputation crushing embarasment Margo just did to me.
Well Lindsey went straight to the stall right below us and that is when everyone started pushing to try to see her. And as we was all shoving around trying to see her fine ass we suddenly realized that she was shitting faster, louder and harder than that sick elephant at the circus that sprayed all us kids on the front row in the second grade class field trip.
And see, everyone was pushing so much to try to see (on account of because she was all hunched over while she was shitting, and you could really see her ass beter than with the other girls) and the cinderblock walkway was so narrow that before I knew it I slipped and fell into the cieling tile right above her toilet. And well, those tiles can’t hold much weight, so I just crashed right through, and landed head first in her toilet while she jumped up screaming and spraying shit everywhere.
At least all the girls was so scarred they ran out of the bathroom so I was able to climb back in the ceiling and all us guys got away without getting caught. But, The Top Box Theater is closed for good now as the school is already bringing in construction crews to fix the ceiling space, and my reputation is ruined as everyone is already calling me armpit fucker.
Also, despite what we have always thought, Lindsey Miller’s shit did not smell like roses. It smelled like Brocolli. And farts.
That’s it for now, but Jock Blog will return in Jock Blog 5 – The Dirty Drive!
“Watching chicks piss is hungry work” = possibly the single greatest use of the English language ever. Stellar work here, I-man.