Mailbag Monday 10 – Flatulence Edition!

Hello dear readers, it’s MAILBAG MONDAY again!  On this special day I will search through my mountain of reader mail and answer the five most pressing questions!

What’s that you say?  Do I really get that much mail?  Well, I’ll admit…the contact section of this website doesn’t get used that often, but, one of the perks of wordpress stats is that I can see the google search terms that people use to find my site.  And I’m going to go ahead and pretend that these search terms will count as reader mail, since they are often entered in the form of a question.  So as you read these, remember that each “question” was something that someone actually typed into google that brought up my site as a hit which they then clicked on thus letting wordpress stats report to me the search they used to find my site.  I could make up the questions myself, but it turns out the actual google searches are far better than anything I could come up with!

After last month’s “Does Isley look fart in these pants” query there was a massive influx of fart related questions, so many that I decided to make a very special GIANT SIZED “All Flatulence” edition of Mailbag Monday!

Dad shakes contest milk protein farts?/ “My dad” “fart contest”?/ My dad farts in my face?

Yeah, this sounds about right, after all, in the immortal words of Eddie Murphy, “your father introduce you to [the fart game]”.  So I wouldn’t call SRS just yet.

But instead of just quoting Eddie Murphy for every question, I’ll go ahead and post the full video here:

Ok, got it out of my system (no pun intended).  Just keep in mind, everything Eddie says applies to the rest of the post.

Fig Newton farts are the worst?

I really can’t say I’ve found this to be the case.  And as someone who routinely eats “the whole goddamn bag” of Fig Newtons in one sitting, I would know.

“Worst fart” sbd?

I really don’t know if SBDs are by nature more potent than L(oud)BDs.  However, the “surprise!” factor probably tips the odds in their favor.

brother powerful farts

Did you forget to include punctuation here?  Because if you meant: “Brother, powerful farts!”, then yes, I’ve been there too!  Otherwise, the only possible explanation I could think of is that you might be referring to my old Spirit of the Century Pulp Role Playing Game monk character “Brother Powerful” and his “Holy Wind” ability.  I’ve drawn a quick sketch of my character concept here:

But I doubt you were referring to him.

Best fart of all time?

Sadly, they’ve all been downhill after the #1 HERE.

Farting “windows up”?

Ah yes, this is a classic trick.  Save a particularly foul fart for a car trip.  If it is the summer, suggest rolling up the windows and turning the AC on (if it is the winter you should be set).  Then, and this is VERY important, do not say anything until someone ELSE smells your fart (unless you say something like “do you smell something burning?” in order to get them to take a big sniff).  At this point proceed to laugh hysterically while pushing “up” on your automatic window button so the fart has to exit the car through the window next to the driver (or turn the child lock on if you are fortunate enough to be the driver).

Do hobbits fart enough?/Do hobbits fart too much?

Anyone who eats that many breakfasts is probably going to fart up a storm (especially if they follow an English diet as they seem to in the books).  However, they are just little fellas, so I can’t image they can produce any emissions with real staying power.

***[editor’s note…at this point I begin to question the “authenticity” of the google search terms that I am answering for this post]***

“isley unruh” bad at farts?

I was only bad at farts that one time, and I was sick with food poisoning, so it was perfectly understandable!

isley unruh forgets to fart?

I wouldn’t say I’ve ever “forgotten” forgotten to fart, but there have been plenty of times I wished I had a fart and I didn’t.  Like pretty much every time we played the parachute game in elementary school.  Also elevators.

“isley unruh” weak farts?/”isley unruh” fart too weak to count?

An interesting corollary of my oft repeated claim of “When I fart, you’ll know it!” is that when I fart and you don’t know it, I won’t be quick to admit such a defeat.

“isley unruh” farts like girl who doesn’t fart?

If, by this, you mean I fart like a normal person who does fart, then yes, this is true.

“isley unruh” fart, but not out of butt?

I don’t care how bad that burp after “all you can eat wings and cheesecake” night was, I still maintain that it can’t be classified as a fart.

“isley unruh” likes modern fart?

I would venture to guess that the art of farting and trying to get other people to smell it hasn’t changed much in the last 10,000 years.  So “modern fart” is a pretty meaningless phrase.  Sure, cavemen didn’t have “fig newton farts”, but we don’t have “month old mammoth carcass farts”, so I’d call it a wash (actually, I’d say that is “edge, cavemen”).

“isley unruh” farty fart farts?

Now you just aren’t even trying.  Oh ok, fine, I giggled anyway.  The day is yours.

“isley unruh” best films to fart during?

I’d say action movies are probably the best.  All those gunshots and explosions can really cover up some pretty spectacular farts that you might have been saving up for a sellout crowd on opening night at a theater.

“isley unruh” ever not fart during a movie?

Sure, plenty of times.  Usually it’s when I’m watching something artsy fartsy and Swedish…those fuckers don’t even use music half the time!  If you don’t have an SBD ready, be prepared to hold your farts for any Bergman film festivals you go to.

“isley unruh” fart to the top?

I am fairly certain you have that phrase wrong.  After all, I’d say it’s a pretty safe bet that no one in the history of “climbing the corporate ladder” has ever farted their way to the top.

“isley unruh” lovefarts?

Are “lovefarts” like “lovestains”?  If so, no, and gross.

“isley unruh” loves farts?

I was going to say “only my own”, but then I realized, that like in Shawn of the Dead (“I’ll quit doing it when you quit laughing”), I laugh every time someone gets me with one too.  So, yeah, I guess I love all farts. Even that one Justin did at the Taco Bell drive-through.

“isley unruh” hates farts?

I was going to say “only other people’s”, but then I realized, that like in Shawn of the Dead (“I’ll quit doing it when you quit laughing”), I laugh every time someone gets me with one too.  So, yeah, no, I guess I don’t hate any farts.  Not even that one Justin did at the Taco Bell drive through.

“isley unruh” blog full of farts?

I really don’t think this is fair.  I mean, aside from this Mailbag Monday, my blog is full of a lot more than just fart jokes!  I mean, I have Lord of the Rings Fanfiction…er…about farting.  Uh…and…stories about my favorite farts.  Um…and…well… there’s also…Jock Blog.

Crap.  No pun intended.

“isley unruh” banned for farting?

Is this a reference to AT&Ts accusation of conference call tampering in 2002?  Because, they never proved that was me.

“isley unruh” has john wayne farts?

God, I wish.  That big sonofabitch could probably clear out an arena on a good day.

“isley unruh” fart in own mouth?

If I could project my farts like that, my mouth would be the last place I’d try to fart in.  Of course, the first place would probably still be “a jar” so I guess I don’t like to mess with the classics.

Does “isley unruh” eat fart free?/ Isley unruh is a fart checker?/ Bad boys 2 got real farts for isley?

Here, have a mini Internet Meme Monday:

“isley unruh” farts like dinosaurs”/ “isley unruh” farts like dinosaur who doesn’t fart?/ “isley unruh” justice fart?/ “isley unruh” top on fart?/ Smelly farts hobbits or “isley unruh”?/ isley unruh is fart asian?

Um…

In fact, this brings up a point I’ve been wanting to make in regards to future Mailbag Mondays because, I have no idea what these are supposed to mean.  I’m going to have to start being more discriminating with my reader mail.  So if you make my head hurt trying to figure out what a “top on fart” is, I’m not going to run your letter.  You know, unless the internet quits sending me ridiculous google searches and I have to scrape the bottom of the old mailbag.  Until then, please try to bring “teh funny”!