Hello dear readers, it’s MAILBAG MONDAY again! On this special day I will search through my mountain of reader mail and answer the five most pressing questions!
What’s that you say? Do I really get that much mail? Well, I’ll admit…the contact section of this website doesn’t get used that often, but, one of the perks of wordpress stats is that I can see the google search terms that people use to find my site. And I’m going to go ahead and pretend that these search terms will count as reader mail, since they are often entered in the form of a question. So as you read these, remember that each “question” was something that someone actually typed into google that brought up my site as a hit which they then clicked on thus letting wordpress stats report to me the search they used to find my site. I could make up the questions myself, but it turns out the actual google searches are far better than anything I could come up with!
This time I got the folks at www.mormon.org to answer the following questions for me:
- Have you ever smelt a dirty fart?
- Is adultry ok sometimes?
- Is cheating when lifting ok sometimes?
- Why do high school boys piss in lockers?
- What is best in life?
So, without further ado, it is time to dig into the old Mailbag to see what kind of things have been on my readers’ minds in the last month!
Hi everyone! I thought I’d do things a little different today. See, the semester is wrapping up and I’m kind of busy with papers and stuff. So I figured I’d see if I could get the kind folks over at www.mormon.org to field some of the Mailbag Monday questions this week. For those who aren’t aware, there is an easy to use chat feature at www.mormon.org with a helpful missionary available 24 hours a day to answer all your questions!
Well…not exactly all of your questions. Since the folks over at 4chan (the butthole of the internet) got a hold of the link, they’ve been getting trolled (for those not up on internet lingo, trolling is to interact with someone online with the express purpose of getting a rise out of them) pretty hard over there. The current popular game is to try to work this line in there without them seeing it coming:
Yes, that’s “notorious” rap group ICP, and yes, they are completely serious. Anyway, the Mormons have been trolled so much that they actually aren’t that much fun to troll anymore. Still, Mailbag Monday wasn’t going to answer itself, so I jumped back into the fray for today’s post. Let’s see what they had to say!
Have you ever smelt a dirty fart?
Agent [Jaqueline] is ready to assist you.
Jaqueline: Hello, I am a missionary for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.
Jaqueline: How may I help you today?
Me: Have you ever smelt a dirty fart?
Agent [Jaqueline] has left the chat.
The chat session has ended.
Notes: Unlike Jessica’s suggestion for my post with the Manowar thong picture, when you are trolling, it is often best to bury the lead.
Is adultry ok sometimes?
Agent [Devanie] is ready to assist you.
Devanie: How may I help you today?
Me: I’m actually here for a friend of mine. He’s not a member of the church, but I thought I could try to pass along some advice for him.
Devanie: Are you a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints?
Me: Yes, I am, he isn’t though.
Devanie: Is he there with you?
Me: No, he doesn’t know I’m asking for him.
Me: He has been married for some time now, and lately has been feeling temptation from without.
Me: I guess I just wanted to know, is adultry ok sometimes?
Me: Even if no one will ever know about it?
Devanie: God will always know.
Me: Yes, but isn’t that what praying for forgiveness is for?
Devanie: Its not meaningful forgiveness if we just do the same thing over and over again. Does that make sense?
Me: I guess, but if you pray extra hard, that would at least make up for extra bad sins. Does that make sense?
Me: Also, what if he just puts the tip of it in, would that even be considered adultery, or is that ok?
Devanie: No. Let me find a scripture, one moment
Me: Great, thanks!
Me: I looked all over and didn’t see any scripture about putting the tip of it in.
Devanie: “Behold, it is written by them of old time, that thou shalt not commit adultery; But I say unto you, that whosoever looketh on a woman, to lust after her, hath committed adultery already in his heart.
Devanie: This is in 2 Nephi
Devanie: and in the Bible
Devanie: It starts with thoughts
Me: yes, but what about what counts as “adultery”?
Devanie: If it goes any past your thoughts, then it is considered adultery
Devanie: I think the scripture is very clear
Devanie: I hope that you’re able to help your friend understand more about moral standards.
Me: He’s never really been one for those. Dirty Melvin and I go way back, and he’s always been a wild one.
Me: Boy could I tell you some stories!
Devanie: We are here to share more of the basic beliefs of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints? Would you like to be serious and learn more now?
Me: I do like to learn. I’ve got a serious learning question for you…
Me: Fucking magnets. How do they work?
Agent [Devanie] has left the chat.
The chat session has ended.
Notes: Like I said, everyone loves the magnets line. But I don’t know, seems a little easy. Still, once they figure out you are trolling, you either take it to DEFCON 0 or listen to a sermon. Also, you’ll notice they never found me some scripture that says you can’t just put the tip of it in.
Is cheating when lifting ok sometimes?
Agent [Bryan] is ready to assist you.
Bryan: Hello, my name is Brian.
Bryan: What Brings you to Mormon.org?
Me: Hi there
Me: I just have something that has been nagging me… It doesn’t seem like a big deal, but I wanted to get some advice.
Me: So, I’ve always competed in sports.
Me: And lately I’ve started Olympic Weightlifting (they kind they do in the Olympics, with the clean and jerk and the snatch as the two main lifts) and going to competitions.
Me: I guess I wanted to know, is cheating when lifting ok sometimes?
Bryan: What do you think?
Me: Well, I would think no… I mean, I try to never cheat.
Me: My latest competition left me confused.
Bryan: Why is that?
Me: So, they always have 3 judges for these meets, and they make sure you do the lifts according to the rules.
Me: And, well, I pushed out a jerk and none of them noticed.
Me: It was stiff and straight overhead, but my elbow came unlocked.
Me: and that’s against the rules
Me: Usually I can get a good jerk off
Me: of my shoulders and then lock it in
Me: but not that time.
Me: So, is it cheating if the judges didn’t see that I pushed out a jerk?
Me: I mean, it is their job to watch everyone jerking after all.
Bryan: I really don’t know what that means
Bryan: so I don’t know if it is cheating
Me: You haven’t done the jerk yourself?
Bryan: I haven’t
Me: Maybe you could help me with some of my questions about the snatch then?
Bryan: nope, sorry
Me: Because I can do a pretty heavy snatch. But sometimes, when the snatch is over 200 pounds, I get stuck real deep in the bottom of the snatch and can’t get out of the hole.
Me: Is that a technique problem? Or should I just do lighter snatches?
Bryan: I couldn’t tell you – I’m not a weightlifter myself, sorry
Me: Ah, well, maybe I’ll go ask the jewish chat boards, I bet they would know.
Me: Thanks anyway!
Bryan: have a great day
The chat session has ended.
Notes: Yes, yes, snatch and jerk jokes are like trolling Mormons: just too easy. But still, I think Bryan could have tried a little harder on his answers despite having no experience with either the snatch or the jerk. Though, the fact that I couldn’t seem to get a rise out of him means I might have been getting reverse trolled at the end there.
Why do high school boys piss in lockers? [Mailbag Monday Jock Blog Crossover!]
Agent [Eric] is ready to assist you.
Eric: Hi, my name is Eric.
Eric: How can I help you?
Me: Oh good, I’m glad I got a man. I’ve been having a lot of trouble with my son Chris.
Me: Did you have a rebellious phase in high school?
Eric: No, I didn’t.
Me: Well my son has been getting into trouble a lot. And as a single mother I just don’t understand some of the things he has been doing.
Eric: Like what?
Me: Ugh, where to start.
Me: Why do high school boys piss in lockers?
Eric: It sounds like a dare.
Me: I asked him about that. He just said he did it because it was funny. He even said that some of the guys were not drinking water and eating lots of asparagus before hand so it would smell worse. And that’s only the beginning of the kind of stuff he’s been getting in trouble for.
Eric: What else?
Me: Just yesterday he got in trouble for dive bombing a toilet. Not to mention the other times where he got caught upper deckering, mud-digging and Alaskan pipelining. And lately I keep finding he leaves his bms in the toilet without flushing…and there is no toilet paper! Is he not wiping??
Eric: Have you taken him to a counciller?
Me: Well, I had to meet with him and the school guidance counciller after he left a (pardon the term, it’s just what he called it) “shitbox” in the teacher’s lounge.
Me: It’s where him and all of his friends bm into a box and then wrap it up in nice paper. He left one in the teacher’s lounge. Is that kind of thing normal for high school boys?
Eric: No. It is not.
Me: I even searched his room and found a box under his bed marked “emergency shitpocalypse box.” It smells horrible, I’m afraid to open it. Should I?
Eric: No. I don’t think you should.
Me: I just don’t know how I can get him to stop. I can’t find anything in the bible about “shitboxes.”
Eric: What about “honor thy father and mother.”
Me: Ah, tell him no more shitboxes or he will face eternal damnation?
Eric: I don’t think you need to go that far. But yes, something must be done.
Me: I think this is a good start. Last time I tried “don’t spare the rod” and he made a dirty joke. We’ll see if a little fear of an eternity of torture will do the trick.
Me: thank you for your time!
Eric: You’re welcome.
The chat session has ended.
Notes: If you aren’t sure who the “mother” is talking about, refer to the Jock Blog segment of my most recent Center Valley High School crossover special. Chris is a filthy filthy boy. Also, I like that Agent [Eric] correctly guessed that it would not be a good idea to open his Shitpocalypse Box.
What is best in life?
Agent [Nathanael] is ready to assist you.
Nathanael: How are you today?
Me: Hi there Nathanael.
Me: I’m not gonna lie, I’m just feeling kind of spiritually down today. Was looking for a pick me up.
Me: Seems everyone focuses so much on the negative these days
Me: What about the positive?
Me: I mean, tell me, as far as you know,
Me: What is best in life?
Nathanael: I have found that the greatest joy and satisfaction in this life can be found as an individual becomes acquainted with and lives God’s teachings in his/her life.
Me: WRONG! To crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women! THAT IS GOOD!
Me: Ugh, you guys gave an even worse answer than the Catholics… They said: “A fleet horse, the open steppe, falcons at your breast and the wind in your hair.”
Nathanael: Didn’t know the Catholics had a chat.
Nathanael: chat service*
Me: They used to.
Nathanael: I wasn’t aware.
Me: Until a bunch of assholes started asking “Fucking magnets, how do they work?” made them shut it down.
Me: Speaking of, I have a scientific question for you.
Me: Do you answer science questions?
Nathanael: I am sure you do
Nathanael: I’ll wait and see if you change your mind and are willing to have a sincere conversation.
Me: Is that a yes on the science question?
Me: Because this question has really been pressing on me.
Me: (don’t worry, it won’t be that lame magnet one)
Me: Which, as long as I have you here, how often do you get people asking the “how do they work?” magnet question?
Me: It seems as far as trolling goes that’s even lazier than quoting Conan the Barbarian.
Me: Ok, fine. I’m ready to have a sincere conversation.
Nathanael: What is your religious background?
Me: The Church of Magnetology.
Nathanael: Nice. I am a pretty patient person 🙂
Nathanael: I’ll continue to wait.
Me: Ok ok, let’s try again. This time for real.
Me: Oh come on, give me another chance! I thought you were patient!
Me: Ok, I’m done transcribing this…not coming back?
Me: Well, anyway, check out www.isleyunruh.com tonight around 7:00 central time!
Me: Thoughts on all my favorite things, this week’s Mailbag Monday is Mormon edition!
Me: Don’t worry, you handled the trolling pretty well.
Me: Also, stick around for Middle Earth Monday at the end of the month!
Me: I could use the extra views on that one.
[30 minutes later]
Me: I guess I just won’t get to ask my question. Too bad, it was a good one.
The chat session has ended.
Notes: See, this is why I don’t troll Mormons for non Mailbag Monday related purposes anymore. No troll ever wants to get a smilie face in response to their trolling. Not that Nathaniel’s “patience” tactic completely worked. See, I’m a patient guy too; I was ready to ask him about magnets all afternoon if I had too.