Hello dear readers, it’s MAILBAG MONDAY again! On this special day I will search through my mountain of reader mail and answer the five most pressing questions!
What’s that you say? Do I really get that much mail? Well, I’ll admit…the contact section of this website doesn’t get used that often, but, one of the perks of wordpress stats is that I can see the google search terms that people use to find my site. And I’m going to go ahead and pretend that these search terms will count as reader mail, since they are often entered in the form of a question. So as you read these, remember that each “question” was something that someone actually typed into google that brought up my site as a hit which they then clicked on thus letting wordpress stats report to me the search they used to find my site. I could make up the questions myself, but it turns out the actual google searches are far better than anything I could come up with!
This time I answer the questions:
- What’s special this month?
- Top ten most upsetting items?
- What goes on behind bathroom doors blogs?
- How to make metal song titles?
- Ballad about four wheelers?
So, without further ado, it is time to dig into the old Mailbag to see what kind of things have been on my reader’s minds in the last month!
What’s special this month?
October is a lot like Slayer’s album Reign in Blood…a whole bunch of stuff going on sandwiched by two bits of pure badassnees and/or sweetness at the beginning and the end. So what makes up the bread in our special October sandwich? Two things: Nigerian Independence Day on October 1st and the Pagan Samhain Night on October 31st. For those of you who have lived under a rock your whole lives I thought I’d go into a bit more detail about these two important days.
Nigerian Independence Day, October 1st
After having been a British protectorate since 1901, Nigeria was finally granted its independence on October 1st, 1960. Unfortunately, religious and ethnic tensions between the diverse population of the country (exasperated by the 1961 plebiscite that added Northern Cameroon to Nigeria, creating a disparity between the predominately Muslim population in the north and the Igbo and predominately Christian Yoroba populations to the south and West) led to a series of military coups and a civil war that plunged the country into chaos and corruption for over 30 years (only recently has the country returned to civilian rule–though widespread corruption remains).
The failures of post-colonial Nigeria were not a simple byproduct of the artificially imposed borders that created a country full of opposing factions that all feared the tyranny of the majority. The problems created by the internal cultural tension were compounded by the almost total dependence on oil revenue for economic stability in the 1970’s as Nigeria joined OPEC and billions of dollars were funneled into an unstable country still reeling from the turmoil of the previous decade.
Yet, while Nigeria been plagued by the corruption and turmoil, their problems are the same as any nation thrust upon its own with so many internal tensions coupled with vast and desireable oil resources to fuel human greed. While the years after achieving independence in 1960 showed the long road that lies before Nigeria, its independence was essential if the culturally diverse population was ever to reclaim its heritage as a nation of self-governing peoples with a history stretching back over 10,000 years.
Samhain Night, October 31st
So, wikipedia claims that Samhain Night was a Celtic celebration of the harvest and the memories of one’s lost relatives. However, after doing a bit more research I found a very worrisome article at www.fellowshipinhislove.com that explained that Samhain Night (now known as Halloween) was actually a celebration where evil Druids made human sacrifices to Satan to further the blasphemous ways of their evil cult. The article went on to explain that these same sacrifices are now done by modern Satanists by putting razor blades and poison into children’s Halloween candy.
Now, I don’t think the good people at www.fellowshipinhislove.com would lie about this stuff…and honestly, the black metal band Graveland’s lyrics for their song At the Pagan Samhain Night seem to back them up:
Dark was the sky and cold was this night
I saw in dusk the shifting stars
Inside the circle of mysterious sings
A little casket drowned in blood
The horned one gave me the key
I opened the casket to see my fate
The ultimate fate of mine
Pagan warrior, son of the dark sky…
Fire of eternal hell inflamed the left path
The priest of Darkness, Druid named Schakh
He opened my third eye, his evil soul became mine
We were bonded by blood, our hearts beat the same
“Thou belong to me now, follow me in dawn
We are the same, the soul of man
Look in my eyes, see burning stars
Crucify the lier, create Dark Empire
Through the veil of fog I heard his voice
I was cold, but sweet as an immortal dream
I know the one taught to survive by the
Carpathian code of life…
He hold the silver sword and Black book
The symbols of mystic strength and wisdom
I understood these signs of Darkness
My knowledge became my secret weapon…
At the pagan Samhain night
I entered the Darkside
Evil arrived far from the North
I know the might of Demonlord
So, yeah, I think that is proof enough right there. Besides, everyone knows the Wikipedia article was probably altered (or even ALTARED) by Satanists. After all, the greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was convincing the world He doesn’t exist!
So this Samhain Night, stay ever vigilant, ever watchful, Satanists are always the ones you least expect; even that neighbor girl in her pretty pretty princess costume! Perhaps a night in behind locked doors while you ruminate on the potentially optimistic future that Nigeria’s recent return to civilian rule could create for the troubled country would be the best way to avoid being the human sacrifice of one of the roving packs of Satanists this Samhain night!
Top 10 most upsetting items?
There are all kinds of upsetting items in the world, but, off the top of my head (and in no specific order), here are ten that come to mind:
- Mushy apples
- Scratched dvds
- D20s that only roll a 20 on prepare a campsite checks
- Hotel bibles
- Fullscreen versions of widescreen movies
- Pirated software that doesn’t work as well as the legit stuff
- The complete discography of Weird Al Yankovic
- Water balloons that break in your hand when thrown. Also, pee balloons.
- Popcorn of suspicious wetness in a shared bowl
What goes on behind bathroom doors blogs?
Dude…seriously? Gross. I’m sure you’ve been “behind the bathroom door” before, so you should know what goes on in bathrooms. But if you must be reminded here is a quick list off the top of my head (no, I have not done all these…this is another post that utilizes my years spent studying jocks in their natural habitat):
- pissing and shitting
- seeing how high you can piss on the wall
- pissing in the sink because all the stalls are taken
- vomiting in the sink because all the stalls are too gross
- Locking the stall doors from the inside and then climbing over the top
- shitting into a paper bag
- accidentally pissing yourself while shitting into a paper bag
- throwing a mass of wet paper towels on your friends while they are shitting
- almost getting your ass kicked when it turns out you threw a mass of wet paper towels on one of the seniors and not one of your friends
- dumping a full trash can over the top of the stall onto one of your friends while they are shitting
- flushing large balls of paper towels down the toilet until the bathroom floods
- flushing smoke bombs down the toilet
- shitting into the refill tank of the toilet (upper decker)
- shitting into the toilet from on top of the stall walls (dive bombing)
- passing out while shitting in the urinal
- Running the hot water in all the sinks to create a sauna for the guys to hang out in (but not in a gay way)
How to make metal song titles?
Now, there are all kinds of metal and I don’t claim to be an expert in every type. But I do know my Thrash, Death and Black Metal like no one’s business. I’ll be the first to admit that these three genres follow very specific formulas for their song titles, so I thought I’d share them to help answer your question.
Thrash – First you will need the word “metal” in your song title somewhere. Then simply add a few synonyms for destroy and mad (or pretty much anything awesome), arrange them in any order and you have your song title! Examples:
- Raging Metal Destruction
- Metal Enema
Death Metal – So for death metal we are basically going for “gore” with a touch of “Satan”. So, think of something really gross and then make it a little evil (extra points if it sounds vaguely medical and is related to pooping). Examples:
- Impious Ruptured Bowels of Depravity
- Satan’s Colonoscopy
Black Metal – This one is a bit trickier. First, turn to a random page in Lord of the Rings and pick a phrase at random. Then, add “forest”, some variation of the words “eternal” and “black” and then give the whole thing a hot Satan injection. (Extra points for being longer than 20 words and including at least one grammatical error). Examples:
- Dire deeds awake, dark it is eastward where lays the great vast forests of endless eternal satanic vastnesses and black eternity.
- Sing hey for the bath at close of day in Satan’s eternal forest of blackness where none can hears the song.
Ballad about four wheelers?
Boy, there are so many I don’ t know which one to pick, but I guess I’ll go with this one, it was always one of my favorites:
The Jingoistic Ballad of Good Ol’ Jack Dickson
Jack Dickson was a good ol’ boy
A four-wheeled steed he rode.
Each day he’d shout his battle cry:
“O(s/b)ama is a choad!”
Take that Obama AND Osama!
That’s it for Mailbag Monday this month! Tune in the first Monday of next month for Mailbag Monday 6!
“Also, pee balloons.”
Well played, sir.