Hello dear readers, it’s MAILBAG MONDAY again! On this special day I will search through my mountain of reader mail and answer the five most pressing questions!
What’s that you say? Do I really get that much mail? Well, I’ll admit…the contact sectionof this website doesn’t get used that often, but, one of the perks of wordpress stats is that I can see the google search terms that people use to find my site. And I’m going to go ahead and pretend that these search terms will count as reader mail, since they are often entered in the form of a question. So as you read these, remember that each “question” was something that someone actually typed into google that brought up my site as a hit which they then clicked on thus letting wordpress stats report to me the search they used to find my site. I could make up the questions myself, but it turns out the actual google searches are far better than anything I could come up with!
This month I answer the following questions:
- Romantic comedy formula?
- What does it say about me if my favourite musician is hank williams sr?
- Y u no gusta skate?
- What is the best minor key to play in?
- Best times to fart?
So, without further ado, it is time to dig into the old Mailbag to see what kind of things have been on my readers’ minds in the last month!
Romantic comedy formula?
Romantic comedies have been following the same general formula for the last century. Basically: two people meet; they don’t like each other; then they realize they do like each other; then some misunderstanding forces them apart at the beginning of the third act until the reconcile by the end. However, because this formula gets repeated so much, a lot of the same situations will inevitably arise. Specifically, a lot of the same frustratingly stupid and easily avoided situations will inevitably arise. Thus, for this question, I decided to turn to my friend Shena, the one person (along with Jock Chris) who might, debatably, know almost as much about rom coms as I do, in order to get a few rom com pro-tips for those of you who might find yourself in a real life rom com situation:
Shena’s Pro-tips for Those Stuck in Rom Com Hell
- When in the throes of a romantic misunderstanding, try talking to directly to the object of your affection. If you don’t know what to say, consider a handwritten note. Write in all caps, if your handwriting is bad. Do not write in metal font caps, as that might send the wrong message. Phrase things politely and unambiguously, so that they do not confuse your note with a ransom note (unless it is a ransom note…from your HEART!).
- When leaving the house, check to make sure you have your cellphone with you. Someone might be trying to tell you something important! It’ll help if they can get a hold of you, and perhaps you can call the object of your affection to let them know how you feel! Yes, expressing your feelings in person is more romantic, but sometimes it’s just not logistically feasible!
- Instead of hiring an escort as your date to your favorite ex’s wedding, try asking one of your friends! If your friend circle is so small that everyone knows everyone, perhaps take this a sign to broaden your circle of friends for future wedding disaster scenarios!
- If you MUST make a mad dash TO the airport, use the internet to find the fastest route! Check on road construction and traffic conditions, and have an alternate mode of transportation in mind in case you run into a roadblock. Wear running shoes, just in case. If you have a friend who pilots a helicopter, give them a quick call! It never hurts to have a helicopter in reserve.
- If you MUST make a mad dash THROUGH the airport, be sure to have photo ID with you! A driver’s license or passport is a must to get through security. When buying a last-minute ticket, check with the ticketing agent to see what fares are refundable! Being a hopeless romantic doesn’t have to mean being irresponsible with money!
- If you’ve missed the object of your affection at the airport, do NOT surprise them in the city of their destination. Maybe take a nice trip on your own. Perhaps you think you’re running to them, but you’re really running from yourself. What are you so scared of? Take some time for *you*.
What does it say about me if my favourite musician is hank williams sr?
It says that you are from England, have excellent taste in country music, and depend on google entirely too much for your sense of self worth.
Y u no gusta skate?
You know, I swear I was pretty good at roller skating when I was a kid. But the last time I went roller skating as an adult, it was on a date and I am pretty sure I looked just like this:
And to clarify, I didn’t look like Charlie Chaplin, I looked like the big awkward dude (Eric Campbell). Why don’t I gusta skating? Well, mostly because, as it turns out, Snob Blog 3 was basically a true story.
What’s the best minor key to play in?
Easy, D minor. In addition to being mostly on the white keys of the piano, it’s also, according to This is Spinal Tap, the saddest of all the keys. As such, I assume it is the key in which Spinal Tap played “Stonehenge” since that was the best minor key song from the film.
Best times to fart?
Like that Greek doctor told Claudius in I, Claudius, holding farts in is bad for the system, so there’s never really a bad time to fart. Though, for propriety’s sake, some times are a bit more socially acceptable than others.
First, SBDs are always easy, just let them go whenever, preferably in as crowded a place as possible to leave multiple targets for blame (whoever smelt it dealt it can also be useful when dodging the credit for an SBD).
Squeakers, tooters and fog horners on the other hand are a different story. Still, if you are careful, there are plenty of times you can slip one of these louder ones out while making sure none is the wiser as to the source of the stench. Just save them for the following situations:
- While working a jackhammer (Or pretty much any power tool).
- During the action scene of an action film (just make sure to time it with an explosion if you are worried it’s going to be a seat shaker).
- At a concert (Metal would be ideal, but classical works too if you happen to be at a performance of the “1812 Overture”).
Importantly, in all situations, avoid farting while you are alone in a room. If someone comes in, you will both know exactly what happened in there 30 seconds prior.
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