Now, I know a lot of you are saying to yourselves: “What is this, Isley is giving dating advice for nerds? What could a cool cat like him possibly know about the subject?” Well, while I have always been affectionately known as “The I-Dogg” by “tha ladies”, I realize that not everyone was able to master the intricacies of the mind of the fairer sex by late Junior High. I call these poor souls “nerds”, but there is no reason I can’t share my wealth of insight with those less socially gifted than myself. So, not to worry, I have outlined my simple ten step program (culled from years of research on the subject) for your next first date below. Take these nerd “first date” laws to heart and you might just find out what it is like to experience that mythical thing known as a “second date”.
- The following movies are off limits for inserting their quotes into the conversation: Monty Python and the Holy Grail (I can’t stress this one enough), Ghostbusters, Conan the Barbarian …basically anything that is awesome.
- Just stop at “I’d like to start painting.” The words “miniature medieval wargaming figurines” are best not said out loud.
- Just because you learned how to play your favorite black metal song on your recorder doesn’t mean she wants to hear it. In fact, it is best to not even bring your recorder into the conversation.
- The words “John Wayne” and “I’m just saying, if I had to pick a cellmate…” should not exit your mouth together during a first date. But if it makes you feel better, those are perfectly healthy feelings for a straight man to have.
- Saying you aren’t that into Star Wars will make you seem less nerdy. Saying you are more into Star Trek will ruin all the points you just scored. Clarifying that you are talking about Star Trek, the original series, is called: “digging your hole deeper”.
- “Politics”, “religion” and “which characters in the Marvel universe you think might have been replaced by shape-shifting alien Skrulls” are not good conversation topics for a first date.
- Girls aren’t impressed by the guy who still talks about his winning touchdown in the big high school football game 10 years later. But they probably like him better than the guy who still talks about his exploits at the scholarship halls 10 years later.
- Saying you are into “role playing” will make her wonder where you are trying to steer the conversation. Clarifying what you meant by “role playing” will make her wonder “why does this always happen to me?”
- If you actually find a girl who wants to try one of your board games on the first date…for the love of god, don’t suggest Advanced Squad Leader. That’s like her saying she’d like to sleep with you and you suggest DVDA…give it time.
- If you actually find a girl who wants to play magic with you on the first date…for the love of god, don’t play your land destruction deck.
Disclaimer: The I-Dogg has never committed any of these gaffes himself. All knowledge was gained through close observation of nerds in their natural habitat. A habitat which, oddly enough, looks a lot like the I-Dogg’s living room.