Once again, from the pages of Goth Blog comes the third part of everyone’s second favorite spinoff: SNOB Blog! Has that wacky high school english teacher who just wants the finer things in life…and for people to know he wants the finer things in life finally found love? Read on to find out!
(Disclaimer: this is a work of fiction; any resemblance to real persons is purely coincidental)
Previously in Snob Blog:
Snob Blog 1– Our snob with no name (will his name be revealed in the forthcoming 100th post??) meets what he assumes is a fellow film elitist and potential soul mate at a movie store. But upon going to her film party he is horrified to find that her friends’ taste in cinema is not as refined as he had hoped. After hijacking her party to disasterous effect it becomes apparent to everyone that these were not his people.
Snob Blog 2– Overcoming the despair brought on by things not working out with the video store girl, our hero sets his sights on the school choir teacher that he has mistakenly assumed is a fellow music snob. But when they decide to start carpooling to work together and his cd player refuses to work it is Ms. Kockenlocker and her ipod that teach our hero a thing or two about music.
And with that let’s move on to Snob Blog 3 – The Dance Emcee!
Monday, November 6th
For a morning that started so peacefully it really turned out to be quite an eventful day! But, like Rahsaan Roland Kirk would say if his synchronization was off, I’m getting ahead of myself!
It all started when, much to my delight, Ms. Kockenlocker seemed amenable to the idea of coming in and having coffee at my place before our newly formed private carpool left for school this morning. Unfortunately, by the time I had dark roasted the fair trade organic Sumatran reserve coffee beans, ground them to the perfect consistency and then brewed them at exactly 192 degrees Fahrenheit we were running a bit behind schedule and got to school only a minute before classes started.
Thus Ms. Kockenlocker and myself were initally confused to find our classrooms empty until we realized that the students had been moved to the gymnasium for the morning period while the faculty had an emergency meeting about some kind of terrorist activity over the weekend.
With around two score of us along with various sundry police officers crammed into the dank Janitor supply room in the basement (apparently the concrete walls afforded some measure of safety from any further potential terrorist attacks against the school leadership while we were all gathered in the same place) the assistant principle explained how he had been specifically targeted by a terrorist threat over the weekend and how he had every inclination that they would strike again. I guess someone had blown up some tree over the weekend and the assaulted the vice principle in his home. I wasn’t sure what to think of it, but I wouldn’t be surprised if there wasn’t some conspiracy within the Center Valley police department to create some sort of manufactured controversy like this for job security.
So Ms. Kockenlocker and I sat in eye rolling solidarity while the faculty acted as terrified as that first audience to see Lumiere’s monumental film L’Arrivée d’un trian à La Ciotat. I giggled to myself as Miss Grubenheimer hysterically explained her fears that the Fall Formal this weekend would be a terrorist target and said that she was going to have to abandon her long time post as the head of the Fall Formal Planning Committee.
It was at this point that Ms. Kockenlocker, apparently unable to control the stimulating effects of the two cups of Sumatran dark roast she had earlier, raised her melodious voice and said that the two of us would be happy to take over the planning of the Fall Formal. Needless to say I was as horrified as Woody Allen at a Ghallager performance. I could only imagine the gaudy tissue paper flower covered assault on good taste that the Fall Formal was sure to be. And yet I found myself nodding my head in agreement with the singularly attractive (and at the moment, singularly jittery) Ms. Kockenlocker. I never thought I could change for a woman, I’ll have to be on my guard around this one though. I’m sure I can emerge from this trial unscathed, but in the words of the immortal Nietzsche, “when you gaze long into the Fall Formal, the Fall Formal also gazes into you.”
Tuesday, November 7th
Having had the night to think on it, I’m starting to think that this being in charge of planning the fall formal could be a blessing in disguise. First, it affords me the opportunity to spend more time with Ms. Kockenlocker (I must remember to find out her first name). But beyond that simple pleasure, what right do I have to pass judgement on this Fall Formal? I mean, all those involved have probably never had the fortune to be exposed to the final things in life, so it would be wrong of me to heap scorn upon them without at least giving them a chance to journey down the road of good taste!
Thus, it will once again be my duty to lead the way (be the “advance guard” if you will) to a Fall Formal worth attending. I will explain more soon, but my coffee beans are almost done roasting and Ms. Kockenlocker is waiting in my kitchen. I’m sure she will be as excited to hear my plans for the formal as you my dear readers!
Thursday, November 9th
After some initial resistance Ms. Kockenlocker agreed to abandon her plans for a DJ led electronica dance party. While I also like electronic music (or “electronica” as she calls it), I don’t think our student body is quite ready for Stockhausen just yet. Instead I decided that we would rather transport the students to the magical land of the whorehouses of the Junín y Lavalle district in turn of the century Buenos Aires in the first annual Otoño Tango Argentina Formal!
Yes, I was indeed able to convince my authentic Buenas Airean private tango instructor Rico (he even met Astor Piazzolla once!) to give a group tango lesson at the formal for a small extra fee to my normal monthly lesson payments! I haven’t explained everything to the school board yet, but they are more than happy with all the money we are saving by eschewing the DJ and tissue paper flowers and streamers! We have decided that the movements of authentic Tango Canyengue is decoration enough and any garish displays full of streamers and Center Valley Cougar mascots would only detract from the sensual dance of Tango (which Ms. Kockenlocker is eager to learn…perhaps she shall be my partner for the first instructional dance!)
One of the few concessions to decoration that we have decided to make will be to light the gymnasium entirely with candles and kerosene lanterns just as the brothels that doubled as dance halls in the 1890’s would have been lit. Though I must confess, the romantic ambiance is as much for Ms. Kockenlocker and myself as it is for the student body.
I can hardly wait to see how this bold step in the right direction for our dance will be received by the student body!
Saturday, November 11th
All our work comes to fruition today! I’m heading to the school momentarily so I must write quickly, but rest assured I will return tomorrow to tell of all my triumphs in the realm of Formal planning (and perhaps, also, in the realm of love?) I must say that there has been a real spark in the air between Ms. Kockenlocker and myself the past few days. Will this spark ignite into a mighty fire tonight? I can only hope that my charms and Rico’s impeccably authentic dance instruction will be a hearty Miso soup for two lovers’ souls.
Speaking of Rico, he just called me and say that he would be a little late tonight. I am not worried (though he is bringing the two large casks of authentic Argentinean bitter Mate tea that I had planned to start the festivities with). I told him to just bring the Mate tea in through the stage door entrance so that he won’t ruin the surprise for the students. Won’t they be excited when they see the authentic Argentinean treat that awaits them with the Mate tea! Until then, I shall do as I always do: selflessly bring the finer things to the masses!
That’s it for this week folks! Our snob’s story will return for its exciting conclusion in the Fall Formal Crossover Special Part 3!