Everyone knows that I was a particularly vehement opponent of the Lord of the Rings movies. My thoughts on adaptations are well publicized and they basically amount to the unyielding law that it is unconscionable to change even one line of the author’s text. And when we are talking about a master on Tolkien’s level, well you can imagine my speechless rage to find out that they had decided (to name one of a countless number of grievances) to portray Gothmog, Lieutenant of Mordor as an orc even though his name is obviously Sindarin in origin and therefore he obviously could not be an orc! And don’t even get me started on that winged Balrog…
Anyway, with the painful experience of watching my favorite book in the world getting “Hot Carled” for 12 straight hours fresh in my mind, it was with a great deal of trepidation that I greeted the news of a Hobbit movie. And it appears that my initial fears were founded as more and more rumors have come in. The rumors range from bad to awful, but some are so horrible that I fall asleep screaming each night wishing for the sweet release of my nightmares. Of these I have selected ten of the most upsetting. For those who think their constitution is doughty enough (we’re talking 17-18 range here), read on to hear how many orifices the first part of the Red Book of Westmarch should start preparing for violation.
- The 13 dwarves from the book will be changed to the much more popular and easier to remember 7 dwarves. In an effort to embrace diversity the group of dwarves will consist of a fat one, a smart one, an asian one, a black one, a stupid one, an irritable one and a girl. The black one dies at the hands of the trolls in the first 30 minutes.
- Ron Perlman, contrary to the rumors, will not play Beorn. He will play the female dwarf Oina who will serve as the love interest to Bilbo. This casting decision made more sense when it was leaked that Oina will be bearded as per Tolkien’s original conception of Dwarven women.
- Bilbo will be represented as a teenage hobbit who must return from his quest before the weekend is over and his parents get back from their vacation. Casting has narrowed possible actors for the role down to Robert Pattinson or Shia Labeouf. Principal photography will commence on the “cleaning montage” scene soon after.
- Incorporating technology used in the film Little Man, Orlando Bloom will be transformed into “baby Legolas” and will help Bilbo and the 7 dwarves escape imprisonment at the hands of his father’s Wood Elves through a variety of wacky homemade traps.
- The “Attercop” spider song will be playfully scored by Oscar-winning songwriter Randy Newman.
- After the popularity of “black-bot” in Transformers, Smaug will be portrayed as a jive talking dragon who wishes a motherfucker would try to steal his treasure. Casting has narrowed possible voice actors for the role down to Chris Tucker or Robert Downey Jr.
- The Battle of Five Armies will become the Battle of Ten Armies featuring Elves, Dwarves, Humans, Eagles and Unicorns vs Goblins, Spiders, Balrogs, Nazgul and Dementors. It will take up the final 90 minutes of the movie.
- The upcoming novelization of the film will be written by Stephanie Meyer and will be titled “The Hobbit”.
- As a nod to the newly popular (post Harry Potter) “gay wizard” archetype, an unrated European version will be released with an extended furry sex scene between Gandalf and Beorn in his bear form. In an effort to make sure it is tastefully done the studio has contacted Zack Snyder, director of 300 and Watchmen to direct the scene.
- Tagline: This isn’t your father’s Hobbit!
56 Comments
Is the White Wizard doin’ that red bear in the butt?
Please try to keep your continuity straight, he was still the “Grey Wizard” during The Hobbit. And yes. 🙂
Will they use the Leonard Nimoy’s “Ballad of Bilbo Baggins” in the soundtrack as well?
Haha…maybe for the cleaning montage?
Well, -I- heard that the riddle contest between Bilbo and Smeagol will actually be more akin to the ever popular “Yo momma…” competitions over the Ring (Smeagol being played by Eminem of course, but I figured everyone knew that by now)
With R. Kelly to officiate/say “oh shit”? http://i86.photobucket.com/albums/k104/loki99999/ohshit.gif
The level of detail in that photo is disturbing: that cracked-open-at-crotch-level robe is horrifying. How many hours did you spend perfecting the shading on that?
Actually putting the dragon in blackface took forever…the rest wasn’t too bad (even Legolas’ head fit right into the home alone hands…and I already had it cut out from the LotR farting fanfiction post). I was going to give Gandalf a happy trail too…but then figured I’d done enough.
so full of sh!t…
Man, you totally screwed with this person’s mind:
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0903624/board/nest/145556700?d=145811698&p=1#145811698
It’s pretty funny that people can be so gullible 🙂
dude, you suck at doing nothing with your time…
There is no way any of this is true because they know the weight on their shoulders… It wouldnt be worth the hassle and hatred if they fooked with the story anymore than a little…
haha good job i was halfway through writing a big thing on how dumb you are for believing these then i stopped myself.. well done
Are you stupid?
Of course nothing of this will be true, remember that one o the writers is Peter Jackson, and the producer also, which means that he has a huge influence on the movies, and he wouldn’t destroy the book, come on, they will use the dreadfull technology from Little Man (Better from The Curious Case of Benjamin Button) to put Orlando Bloom face(Legolas)in a baby? And Ron Perlman as girl? Maybe the idea of being 7 dwarves instead of 14 is accetable but and asian dwarv, a black … there was no asians in the whole middle earth. This is totaly for someone who’s blind. And Stephanie MEYER involved? She has a totaly different saga on her hands, and she doesn’t write for movies dumb ass! So full of shit! I’m sorry but you’re stupid!
Where to start. First of all, you don’t know my sources, so I think assuming they are not valid only makes an ass out of yourself.
As for Little Man, the technology was convincing enough to get R. Kelly off, so I think that’s enough said on the subject: http://www.slashfilm.com/2008/05/22/omfg-rkellys-lawyer-uses-little-man-defense-in-court/
Dwarven women were indistinguishable from the men, so the Ron Perlman thing makes sense if you would stop to think.
There were indeed Asians in Middle Earth, they were called “easterlings” and since that is where the dwarves originated, it’s not inconceivable that there would be half asian dwarves just as there were probably half “southron” dwarves as well.
As for Stephanie Meyer, of course she doesn’t write for movies, I never said she did. She will be writing the NOVELIZATION of The Hobbit…a story based on the movie. It’s already on her website, so in that case at least my claims have been vindicated.
You had enough? Need me to stop? Sorry to rain on your piss parade, I’m just tired of people saying I’m making shit up, the internet has enough of that already.
omg I knew it! I posted this post over at imdb and all those stuck up movie assholes were shitting all over it saying it was made up. Well the joke is on them now if some of these have already been proved!
1. i just went on stephenie meyer’s website and i dont know where you think you saw she was going to be writing a novelization. Also why would there be one if this is based on a book?
2. i hope you are making all this up because otherwise wherever you are getting your information from is completely wrong and you must be completely gullible.
3. Do you really believe peter jackson would WRITE any of this crap? he wrote the lord of the rings and did a phenomenal job. Yes he made changes, but he did nothing that in any way shape or form harmed the integrity of Professor Tolkien’s books.
4. i really do hope this is a joke because to believe any of this crap is unbelievable. Peter jackson doesnt need to add any of these crappy gimmicks to make his movie successful. he already has such a following from the lord of the rings movies he has no need to do any of that. peter jackson doesnt need to pull from other movies (transformers, harry potter, or anything else) to make his movie make money. this guy will make changes yes but it is still going to be the hobbit, not this crap you are making it to be
I am definitely hoping you are joking, and know that these are fake. Seriously, because if you actually believe these, you are a complete moron. I have never heard more ridiculous rumours. Name the sources, if you can, because seriously anyone who decided to start the rumours did it as a JOKE.
I’m still in shock at how people can believe an army of unicorns would actually show up at the battle… wtf?
If you actually made these up and you’re just playing along to be funny… then congrats, you did a good job. If not, you are, like I said, a moron.
I totally believe peter jackson would let Robert Pattinson, a horrible actor that looks nothing like a hobbit, play bilbo. and i’m so excited to see an army of unicorns and dementors battle! woo hoo, can’t wait. and the black dwarf thing is totally genius, DOWN WITH RACISM! the director is like the new einstein
you are a complete idiot, this crap isnt true, and its pathetic that you believe it
For all you guys who are so quick to say I’m making things up and demanding proof, I only have one thing to say:
“Where is your proof that what I say is NOT true????”
Check. And. Mate.
Where is the proof? Where isn’t the friggin proof? Peter Jackson hates having corporations mess with his movies and all of these “rumors” would be caused by corporations messing. Where in any of the lord of the rings movies did you get the hint that jackson would COMPLETELY change his favorite authors work? Also if any of these were true, do you honestly think Jackson would think these would HELP the movie? it would destroy him as a producer/director and make him the laughing stock among professional movie makers. He would never get another job if he did this and he wouldnt be crazy enough to do it! How can you even believe this is possible? Where is the proof? Where the fuck is your proof? We continue to ask for your sources and all you can do is retort with stupid inane comments. I given you proof and logic exactly what you have asked for no please show me some in return.
And again where exactly on Stephanie Meyer’s site does it say she’ll be writing a novelization for the hobbit? Because i have looked all over and can’t seem to find it….. How odd!….
Brilliant! The scary thing is, you’re trying to be funny, but you probably aren’t far off. Any director who could cast crybaby Viggo Mortenson as an Oprafied Aragorn, playing hot-potato with Arwen’s magic virgin elf necklace (in lieu of Glorfindel mind you!) could bastardize just about anything!
And the new director is, I believe, the same man who wanted to insert “brownies” into Harry Potter and the prisoner of Azkaban.
Have to make it palpable to the illiterates who never read the books to begin with (and therefore are going to hate the movies no matter what you do) you see.
Ugh.
loki99999… you’re an idiot
“For all you guys who are so quick to say I’m making things up and demanding proof, I only have one thing to say:
“Where is your proof that what I say is NOT true????”
Check. And. Mate.”
That has got to be one of the dumbest statements I’ve heard.
people don’t need proof to question something, but people do need proof to believe it. don’t post ridiculous rumours and then say that you don’t want to post the sources. Either you don’t have sources, or they are completely unreliable.
and don’t be so cocky, you just sound like a retard.
If this continues, this blog post is going to become an immediate classic. Congrats Isley, you are brilliant.
isley the fact that u dont offer proof is proof enough that its fake.
i can gurantee that if even 1 of these rumors are true peter jackson would quit the project and without him backing it up thats enough for a lot of people to turn their backs on it
theres proof thats not true right there
if thats not enough the very concept of any of these are just so absurd only retards and idiots would believe this crap
You are a stupid idiot if you believe those rumors are true.
I am sure you invented them just because you hate the movies. Which are awesome by the way, as are the books. Problem is, you have no life and I am sure you are like 45 years old and live in your mothers’ basement with nothing better to do than invent moronic rumors just purely out of hate.
If you would have read my posts on adapatations you would know that fidelity to source material is the only thing that determines the success of an adaptation. So, yeah, I hate those LotR movies, I hated them the minute that Balrog showed up.
You can hate them. Thats fine with me I won’t make you change your opinion there. But to believe any of this crap you have put up is ridiculous. And you STILL have not put up your sources. You either don’t have any or they’re complete crap. If you have them put them up and maybe I’ll change my opinion (though I doubt that will happen). Just put up the damn sources. Stop stalling.
You people are fucking daft.
1. All of the above are REAL rumors, there are people out there that believe and spread them.
2. They are also REALLY FUCKING STUPID and, pardon me for being blunt BUT YOU ASS HOLES ARE TO. I think that i can safely say that this guy is having a bit of fun with you, and that there will be no asian dwarf in the movie (but honestly, it would be a fucking riot if there were). Honestly after reading that post i was wholly convinced that the comments section would be riddled with posts like “great joke mate” or “hahahaha lmfao” but no… instead i saw a bunch of ass munching fuck sticks trying to have a serious debate on what was so obviously a joke. You people should die. And go to hell for having no sense of humor. And kill your chilldren while you are at it. Jesus cock.
Well…
Whatever is true or false I had a good time reading through these comments. I guess we should thank Isley, regardless of your intentions, for sharing the information and putting down the groundwork for an intriguing discussion.
I personally regard rumors as mere speculation until a source I trust have confirmed the facts, but it sure is fun to keep all possibilities in mind. I mean, who knows, maybe I’m the one who’s going after the ring in the end?
dearest liam:
it is of course a joke, but what makes it not one bit funny is that isley argues his ass off about how its all true, and thinks WE’RE dumb for thinking it IS a joke. If he was just trying to have fun with us he would’ve stopped before making a complete ass out of himself with all his lame arguments.
I couldn’t agree more. It was a very immature move for the author of such a mature post to make.
Brilliant – an honorary doctorate in psychology for that man. Thanks for the laugh!
By the way – you and Loki9999… aren’t the same person by any chance?
Hehe…nooooo….of course not! 😉
And if anyone is interested, the last time I posted a link to my website on another discussion board somehow people thought I was serious that time too:
http://community.wizards.com/go/thread/view/75842/19076362/An_Open_LetterRant_to_Wizards_of_the_Coast_RE_2010_rules_changes
🙂
Bravo, dear troll! Mission successful! For great justice, fire every zig! Welcome to die!
….?
This is SO hilarious!!! I was halfway through (seething with rage) when I realized you were joking! The sad thing is, you probably aren’t too far off. I HATE when they try to make good books into movies, because the movies are ALWAYS horrible. Examples: Gone with the Wind, Harry Potter, Twilight, White Oleander, and so, so many others. What’s also sad (as I can see by your message board) there are actually some people who don’t realize you’re kidding and are trying to “tell” you how stupid you are. HA!
Outstanding, Isley. Please don’t give up yet. There is still much fun to be had.
This was a very clever and funny joke. It took me a while until I, too, recognized the joke. As soon as I hit the dementor comment, I knew it was satire. Good connections between all of the relating pop culture!
Lol… obviously just rumors, but I have seen stranger things happen!
Did you guys know that they just left the world gullible out of the newest Webster’s dictionary?
Still not nearly as good as “A Modest Proposal”. That was backed up with research. Hilarious.
crying over a balrog. ha.
whay a joke! these stories are a waste of time and the people who follow them have to get a life and deal with reality
First of all, none of these comments are true, he’s just messin’ with your mind, yo.
Second of all: Dude! The LOTR movies kicked ass! I read the books too, but some of that was just impossible to put into movie form, or wouldn’t contribute to the overall story (Bombadil and the scouring of the shire, as good examples). You worry about the little things when the big things are incredible!
Shut up. The Balrog was incredible, and actually made me grip my seat in the cinema when Gandalf stood against it. And didn’t Tolkien say “wings of shadow” in his description? I know what you’re like. You’re one of those Tolkien fans who, after loving the book for years, saw the movies and just because they weren’t exactly what you imagined the books to be, you shunned them. Well, here’s some news: they were some of the greatest films ever made. The Return of the King won more awards than any other movie before or since. The plot, graphics, actors, and sheer beauty and epic-ness was incredible. From the dreamlike quality of Lothlorien to the horror of Morodor, these movies were perfect, and they shall last forever.
Stick it up there.
Very funny article, and the implications are sadly accurate. Evidently the people here have no understanding of rhetoric and are too stupid to grasp the concept of a _hyperbole_. Then again, for people who only are capable of communicating on a purely technical level, they write rather poorly. I’m going to go with the notion that anyone who disliked your article is merely a half-wit. Anyway, Peter Jackson did a terrible job with The Lord of the Rings and I see no reason to except any different with The Hobbit. What most people fail to understand is that everything good about those movies was purely a contribution of Tolkien, whereas everything contributed by Jackson was a disaster. But hey, he made a lot of money… sorry Jackson, God is just: when you’re dead nobody will have any idea who the fat huffing brainless man that you are was–no matter how much money you make. Tolkien won’t be so easily forgotten.
Really? LOTR movies were terrible? REALLY????? Sorry, but I call bullshit on that.
I love the book (yes, it is just 1 book, we can thank marketing for making it into 3) and I thought the movie was a perfect adaptation of the story to a movie. Sure, they had to change stuff, that goes without saying. They had to delete LARGE amounts of the book to make a compelling trilogy of movies, but I think it worked. The things they deleted only really work in the realm of a book and would have made the movie completely unrealistic. Fellowship of the Rings would have to have been 6 hours long, and 2 hours of it would have been Tom Bombadil. There is no way that they could have achieved the level of cinematic beauty these movies have AND included everything. Sure, the Barrow Wights would have been amazing to see, but I understand the reasoning.
The one thing that bummed me out was that they cut the whole Sharky and the Shire thread out completely, but then they would have needed another 45 minutes to an hour, which would have seriously cut into other scenes, or made the movie unbearably long.
A movie is all about pacing… You can’t keep an audience entertained when it takes 3 hours of screentime to get to Bree. I would have loved it, YOU would have loved it, but there is no way in hell that the studio would have paid for it. So in reality, it was either this or nothing…
Jackson, to me, is the only director that could have made these films right. He’s the only one crazy enough to tackle this, and I think he did the best job possible. Did you know that this was originally supposed to be ONE movie that was about 2 hours long? The original draft had NO Helms Deep, and had Eowyn and Arwyn as the same person… Just saying, they could have done A LOT worse…
Keep in mind that I am not trying to bash your opinion, just simply stating that when you say that these movies were terrible it comes off as just a little insane to me. The extended versions (the only real versions to watch) are completely epic, and the fact that they shot them all together (so there are no changes in the age/cast/location) is one of the best things I have ever seen done with a movie.
Anyways, just my $0.02… Really looking forward to the Hobbit though. Can’t wait to see baby Legolas!
Fuck you bastards you can all go to fucking hell for forgiving him for even making you fucking think that this fuck is actually rumours. oh “HaHa” He made a funny. Well fuck him for even Making such a tormenting joke. So You Can All go to fucking hell you retards.
And Don’t Forget to fuck yourself in a dark Corner berore you go there.
Pwned Duchebags
Brillian, Isley Unruh… and to everyone else out there – it’s just a movie, for pete’s sake! Get a life already!
– Jack M.