I was recently asked to take part in an epic 50 hour long marathon game of Dungeons & Dragons in Washington DC. Sadly, I was not able to attend. Thus, I was forced to send my nerd alter-ego Eugene Pendergrass in my place. The results were not pretty. This was day three:
11:31 AM – I have awoken after a night fitful dreams of snake cults and hit points with venom in my heart. I’m afraid I have abandoned my peaceful dream of being a cabinet maker. The previous day’s rule arguments coupled with the air of bitterness and recrimination that has descended upon our party has left me wanting only to see the world burn. By the time this week is over, my fellow players will know what it is to be roasted in the depths of a Slor I can tell you! I wonder if our Dungeon Master will let me change my alignment from my standard chaotic neutral to a more appropriate chaotic evil.
11:52 AM – I will sometimes, depending on how many days it has been since my last bathing, run a quick washcloth under my armpits and beneath the folds of flesh in my groinal region. But not today. Today we are playing prison rules as far as personal hygiene goes.
12:13 PM – My fellow players have now forced me to take a washcloth swipe of my nether regions. Apparently the musk emanating from underneath my side of the table was “the most wretched thing they have ever smelled.” Nailed it.
1:28 PM – My campaign of intraparty chaos (and our parties plans to liberate a city from Drow enslavers) has momentarily been diverted by a fresh hell in this D&D game of all games. Specifically, we are out of Cheetos.
2:12 PM – We have entered the dungeon of the evil Drow elves. I am keeping my eyes open for opportunities to use my new “silk to steel” spell. The fact that my party members called me a fool for not taking “hold person” just proves that I am adventuring with the wrong party.
4:10 PM – We have started yet another one of our endless battles. I have taken the opportunity to stretch my sheet across one corner of the dungeon and piton it to the wall. One silk to steel (best spell ever y/y?) later and I have created a perfect arrow-proof shelter from which to weather the battle. Accusations of creating a pillow fort have been leveled my way.
4:39 PM – It has come to my attention that two members of our party are watching some type of sporting event on their laptops. I haven’t been this disgusted since I saw that guy dressed up as “new Spock” at my comic book shop’s Halloween party last year (I went, as always, as evil Spock).
4:51 PM – We have found a barrel of alcohol in the Drow cafeteria. I have decided to venture forth from my cloth hiding place to try some. Sadly I botched my dice roll to see if I was getting drunk and ended up nauseated.
5:26 PM – Know what happens if you attempt to take a dump in a Drow toilet in a Drow dungeon? A spider will bite you in your ass. I should have stayed hidden behind my pillow fort.
8:17 PM – During endless battle #29587 our party was ambushed from behind by a group of cavern Creepers. I was immediately surround from my supposedly safe position in the rear. Thus I’ve spent the last 3 hours laying on the floor in the middle of a battle playing dead.
9:53 PM – I have decided to keep up the ruse of my death after the battle is over. My fellow party members have apparently accepted my ruse and moved on further into the drow dungeon. I must say, I’m surprised at their dedication to remaining in character. I can’t think of any other reason why they would be so willing to move on without me.
10:05 PM – The rest of the party is continuing to ignore me as they move further into the dungeon. Again, impressive role playing. I leave my miniature tipped over in the site of the battle where I faked my death just in case they come back to make sure I’m still dead.
10:26 PM – For the first time this week, my party’s excellent roleplaying (by ignoring me out of character because I am pretending to be dead in character) has inspired me. I’ve taken my character sheet and moved into a different room by myself to simulate my separation from the party.
10:35 PM – I must admit, it is lonely in my little corner of this dungeon.’,
10:40 PM – I’ve decided to spend my time constructing a better version of my cloth shelter just in case any wandering monsters should come by. There appear to be more than enough pillows and sheets in the room I’ve sequestered myself in to complete the task.
11:40 PM – I’ve got a pretty good shelter in my corner of the dungeon by now. I’ve been rolling my craft: cabinetmaking at a -2 (along with knowledge architecture) to make sure my efforts are in accordance with game rules. I had to raid a linen closet and take the mattress off the box spring along with most of the pillows. Still, I’ve got a pretty decent pillow fortress of solitude going by this point. I do sometimes long to be part of the sounds of merriment that are still coming from the other room, but over all I’m happy in my little corner of the dungeon.
12:31 AM – I’ve found a small throw pillow that I am using as a cavern rat (the other players wouldn’t let me take any miniatures into this bedroom). I’ve managed to pass my handle animal check and have befriended the vermin. I must admit, having a pet does make the solitude of dungeon life in a pillow fortress a bit less melancholy.
1:04 AM – My pillow fortress of solitude is pretty cramped when filled with both my not inconsiderable girth and my new cavern rat friend. I”m afraid my plan of not showering all week to infuriate my party members may have backfired. The air in here is like some sort of brackish sludge after the past hour of habitation.
2:15 AM – I’m getting very tired. But I must stay awake for fear that a wandering dungeon denizen might stumble upon my fabric hiding place and attack my new friend and I. I’ve taken to rolling constitution checks to stay awake.
Check back tomorrow for the EPIC CONCLUSION!