From the pages of Goth Blog here is the second installment of the spinoff that everyone has been clamoring for: JOCK Blog, number 2! That’s right, more wacky adventures from everyone’s favorite jock older brother, Chet! Will someone get sprayed in the face with shit again? Read on dear reader and see! But enough of my yappin, let’s get on with the Jock Blog!
(Warning, this is not for the weak stomached. I have culled knowledge gained from years of close contact with jocks in their natural habitat into what is actually a mostly hyperbole free post based on actual events. So yeah, jocks are filthy filthy people. You have been warned.)
Previously in Jock Blog:
Jock Blog 1 – Our hero Chet introduces himself and decides that maybe writing isn’t just for homos. As it turns out he has plenty to write about when a rash of “German Situps” (a trick situp that Dane learned at wrestling camp that ends with someone’s ass in the “sit-up-er’s” face) sweeps the wrestling team. The fun is over when Chris is unable to control his ex-laxed bowels while tricking the assistant coach into doing a German Situp.
October 30th, 2006
So last week was pretty crazy, what with that crazy fucker Chris droping a deuce on a teachers face, and all. I doubt this week will be up to that level of awesomeness, but on account of because Mrses. O’Hare says we got to, I’ll be writing in this online dairy until the end of the semester.
So at lunch today Eddie, and Benny started into it again. Eddie kept on talking about how Benny shouldn’t have stayed runningback, and how he coulda had more yards, and all. Well, Benny wasn’t having that, and things started to get prety hot, and heavy.
Thats when Dane said we was all too good freinds to fight about that, and that if they realy wanted to settle it for good they should see who can win some French contest called a “rowshambo’ match.
Well, normaly on a scale of one to faggy I’d rate the French way up there with that gay dude that’s gonna play the joker, but ‘rowshambo” is apparently French for awesome cause it is basically a good old fashoined nut punching contest.
Well none of us new who was supposed to go first cause Dane didn’t remember the rules, but I guess Benny figured going first sounded like a good idea cause he hawled off and punched Eddie in the nuts while we was all standing around argruing.
Well Eddies eyes got all big, and then he just started woblying around, and then threw up the six cartons of milk he had just drank into the heater before he went home for the rest of the day.
It was basicaly the best lunch ever.
October 31st, 2006
Today was a pep assembely day, which normally means all us guys that play sports get to go around all day kicking ass with our cocks out untill the whole school goes to the gymnasium at the end of the day to tell us how awesome we are. We was all special excited, cause Dane said he knew for a FACT that Kara wasn’t wearing no underwear after lunch, and she’s a cheerleader. Anyways, theres no way any of us is smelling that dirty fuckers fingers for proof again, so we figured we’d beleive him, and best case maybe see some bush during the cartwheels.
But then the worst thing in the world happened. Somebody dressed up in some gay ass big pink dick costume poured a whole tub of jungle juice from the coaches box all over the teachers right in the middle of the pep assembely. Everyone was running around, trying to find out who done it, but he got away somehow. Dane said he saw Mr. Gleeson sucking up the jungle juice from the floor when no one was looking…, and I beleive it on account of because everyone knows how hard ol Gleeson hits the bottle.
Well, bottom line, we is all completely pissed that someone would pull something like that. I mean, everyone knows school pep assembleys is off limits, and I can’t beleive someone from our school would ruin our special day like that. Those pep assembleys are like little Christmaseses for us sports players, and now I feel like the Grinch just showed up and butfucked me in the face.
If tonight wasn’t Halloween I’d be even more pissed, but since it is I guess the day won’t be a total waste. There was an article about a 1000 pound state fair blue ribon prize winning pumpkin in the town paper today. The guys and I figure that whoever grew something like that right before Halloween, pretty much brought it on themselfs.
November 1st, 2006
Well yesterday just seemed to get worse, and worse. Turns out a 1000 pound pumpkin is a lot harder to smash than you might think. Ethan thinks his toe might be broken, but I at least put some prety good dents in it with my elbow.
Anyways, we all ended up heading back to Benny’s house to get a sledgehammer, where we saw the most horrible thing that has ever happened in the world, ever. Bennys sweet 1978 El Camino, that he was almost done fixing up had had purple, and yellow paint poured all over it everywhere.
Now, only one school uses those gay ass colors, and that school is the home of the Shadywood Trojans in the next town. Well its no secret those fagtards hate us after beating them at regionals…but what do you expect if your team is named the Trojans (which means something about gay dudes buts).
We figured we couldn’t fuck up there hole town, so decided to sleep on it til we found out which ones did it.
We told Eddie what had hapened this morning (he had stayed home sick on account of because he said his nuts still hurt last night, but we figure he was probably just fucking his Alf doll again–bet he wishes he never got drunk and told Chris that story!) Anyway, Eddie seemed to be walking ok now, and he was totally pissed that someone had done that too.
Then he remembered he had seen a barbed wire tattoo on the guy in the dong costume at the pep assembly. Well, there is only 8 people on the Shadywood wrestleing team that has that tattoo, but Eddie also saw a cow skull tattoo on his other shoulder. Well there are 5 people that have that tattoo on the team, but the only one with both, is Bomainus, their 185 pounder who beat Eddie at state last year, in the first round.
Needeless to say, he is a dead man and we are going to spend the rest of the day figuring out how to fuck him in his dirty gaping Trojan. If he wants to bring on the prison rules, he better be preppared to have it brung back twice as hard–prison style!
November 2nd, 2006
Last night went about as well as a date with Maggie Grubenheimer (shes the president of our schools Youth Alive club, and while there is a lot of easy stink in that club despite what you might think, she is a walking talking case of blueballs waiting to happen, TRUST me).
Anyways, we decided we needed to fuck Bomainuses car up too if we was gonna be even, and luckily Eddie had some half full cans of purple and yellow paint we could pour on it to pay him back the same way he got us. Then Chris sugested it was maybe time for a shitbox.
Well, I think he had us all at shit. So we all lined up to shit in a cardboard box (which is the directions for making a shit box) while I ran inside and got some of my mom’s wraping paper. The best thing about a shitbox is you get someone to take a nicly wraped up box into their house thinking it is full of something awesome like a case of beer or Wresteling tickets, but when they open it it is in reality full of 6 different kinds of shit. It’s basically the most awesome thing in the world, and I’d kiss the chocolate starfish of the man who thought it up!
Well…normally it is awesome. This time did not go so well.
All six of us cramed into my mom’s car (which we “borowed” on account of because it can’t be traced back to any of us and on account of because she never drives it anyway and won’t notice it is missing), and I was keeping to the country roads on the way to Shadywood cause that way I can drive over the speedlimit without getting arrested.
Well apparently Chris was still taking the exlax to cut weight because Eddy, who had the box on his lap sudenly realized that the botom had pretty much disolved during the ride…I guess cardboard don’t hold up to diarea.
Well, he all freaked out, and threw the shitsopping cardboard mess into the back seat, spraying Chrises shitruns all over everything, untill it hit Benny in the face. Benny didn’t like getting shitblasted out of nowhere and threw it back at Eddie but missed and hit Dane, who was sitting shotgun. Cept Dane was laughing so hard Benny caught him with his mouth open, and, well from there on out it was pretty much a fronteer style shitfight while going 85 down a country road just like in the movies. It would have been a lot more awesome if there wasn’t so much shit flying everywhere.
By the time I had pulled over, and we’d gotten all the shitpieces that we could find out of the car none of us really figured we still had it in us to pull the job tonight (plus, without a shitbox, there didn’t seem to be much of a point).
So needless to say, we havn’t given up but we are taking a day off to figure out a new plan…we’ll get him back tomorrow night or get covered in shit again trying. I hope my mom dosn’t notice the smell in the car.
November 3rd, 2006
Some things in life are just not meant to be I guess. My girlfreind Margo is always telling me that when I show her a new video I found online of stuff we can do to prove we love eachother equally, and are not afraid to use, her body, in new, and exciting ways. Now I think I know what she means. Tonight started so well too!
So first of all, Dane is like super ingenuous, and knows how to use computers, and everything, and he was telling us he read online how you can make a bomb out of dry ice, water, and a two leader bottle. Well then he says, he says that Chrises runney shit gave him the idea for shit water. Basically you just take shit, and you add water, and this is the way you can make shit water. Well if you put this so called shitwater into the two leader bottle with dry ice, when it blowed up you would get a spray of shitwater over everything.
I’m not saying I’m a homo, but Dane would be my first choice for a cellmate after hearing that plan. At least at the time I thought so.
So thinking we had solved our cardboard problem we all got together again around 10:30. This time we used Eddie’s mom’s car on account of because my mom’s car smelled too bad. We figured if a 2 leader made a good bomb, a 3 leader would make an even better bomb, so got a giant bottle of big k soda, and then found some dry ice too (we dared Eddie to swallow a piece but it just got stuck to his lip, and now he looks like he has been dating Benny’s little sister again).
Anyways, Dane mixed the shitwater in Eddie’s kitchen, since that was the most sceintific place we could think of. We also figured we should all contribute a little bit to it, though Chrises shit was already in shitwater form again as it turned out which Dane said proved the miracle of sceince. After we had poured as much as we could into the 3 leader bottle, and put Eddie’s mom’s soup pot back in the cubboard we squeezed back in the car ready to go.
We was pulling out of the driveway is the last thing I remember, cause next thing I remember there was a sound like a hundred m80s, and then I couldn’t see or hear anything except shit. We managed to push the car back in the garage before anyone saw us.
Turns out Ethan’s dumb ass thought we had to put the dry ice in the bottle right away and when he put the cap on that stupid fucker accidentally blew it off too soon (WHICH, by the way, from the talk I’ve heard, is a common problem with him, but that is aside from the issue).
The real problem is that us, the car and everything is covered in a fine mist of shitwater right now and weve used up all of Eddies moms clean towels and most of what we could find in the laundry room. I’ve got shit all the way up my nose…that stuff got all over so much I’ve probably even got shit in my ass!
So yeah 2 strikes, and we are out. We decided that we was just jinxed, and that we’d have to wait and get Bomainus back another day. I think we also all learned a very important lesson, and that lesson is that shit is a thing best left in its natural form, and that shitwater somehow will always manage to spray itself all over your face if you want it to or not (which is a problem Margo says I have). All I knew was that I don’t think I was going to want to have been sprayed in the face with shit many more times this week before I had have enough.
That’s it for this week, but fear not, Jock Blog will return with Jock Blog 3 – The Giving Tree!
Random question that has no intentions. What is the proper shit water to dry ice ratio for maximum effect?