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Welcome back to Mailbag Monday! On the first Monday of every month, I take the time from my busy blogging schedule to answer all of my reader’s most pressing questions! Sure, I might have begged, bribed and cajoled my readers into sending me these questions in the first place, but, that still totally counts as reader mail!
This month I answer the following questions:
- “Can you leak any details of the black metal themed children’s party you are working on with her dark majesty [Martha Stewart] as a follow up to her punk party?”
- “Do dragons pee in toilets?”
So, without further ado, it is time to dig into the old Mailbag to see what kind of things have been on my readers’ minds in the last month!
“Can you leak any details of the black metal themed children’s party you are working on with her dark majesty [Martha Stewart] as a follow up to her punk party?”
Willie is referencing THIS abomination of a punk rock party that was posted (and then widely mocked throughout the internet) on Martha Stewart’s website. However, unlike Martha Stewart, I don’t think anyone can question my KVLT cred, so maybe my black metal children’s party will be received a bit better than Martha’s punk party:
- The Invites – Martha really missed the ball on this one with the punk party. It’s simple: NO WRITTEN INVITES. Word of mouth only. If you want directions, just ask someone in the band/party planning committee.
- The Decorations – Like Euronymous’ original plans for his record store Helvete, pretty much all you have to do is paint the walls black, and use torches for your lighting. Just be sure to keep any open flames out of the reach of your little tykes’ fingers!
- The Activities – Like any good black metal concert, I’d suggest sticking with that black metal standby of awkwardly standing motionless and staring at the stage while the music plays. But, if the kids get restless, this video has some good ideas in it:
- The Tunes – This one was easy, I actually already made a black metal mix CD for my 8 year old niece, and I’d say you should really just copy the playlist for your party too. Here is the track list:
Sure, it’s mostly just full of more accessible, crowd pleasing black metal hits, but, hey, no need to knock the classics! Besides, you need to teach the kids at an early age that there is no need to get too deep into the cult of the KVLT when stuff like De Mysteriis Dom Sathanas holds up just fine!
- The Grub – First, props to Martha Stewart for coming up with the term “nosh pit.” Unfortunately, you typical black metal fan has neither the inclination, nor the constitutuion for an actual mosh pit, so our grub is going to have to be of the more solitary variety. Honestly, for the food you really just need to serve up a tray of PB&J with the crusts cut off, because, as we all know, that’s exactly what your typical black metal fan’s mom will bring down to their basement room for lunch. Just be sure to use only BLACKberry jelly. Or, if you want to do something a little more elegant, I guess you could try to recreate THIS high class tasting menu.
Speaking of kids and dragons and stuff…
“Do dragons pee in toilets?”
The other day I took my girlfriend’s son Benny to go to the bathroom at a restaurant. Someone was in the only stall, so we were left with only urinals to choose from. Being three, he wasn’t quite tall enough to use the urinals properly, so I kind of had to pick him up and hold him over the urinal to pee, “like a [flying] dragon” (complete with him flapping his wings/arms while peeing). However, peeing like a dragon led him to ask today’s question (in mid-stream), because, even at 3 years old, something about dragons peeing in toilets just doesn’t make sense.
I did as much research on the topic as I could, but came up with nothing! Nothing, that is, until I found the Dutch children’s book “The Big Pee-Book: On Small and Large Puddles.” The cover didn’t look promising (at least RE: dragons and toilets–otherwise it looked very promising):
However, a few pages in and I struck dragon pee gold:
I’ll let google translate fill you in here:
How does a dragon pee?
The firefighters are jealous,
Extinguishing isn’t a chore.
Because with my superhose
I extinguish all the little fires!
At first it didn’t really make sense that a dragon’s pee would directly counteract its breath weapon, but maybe that is the only thing that keeps a dragon from burning down their house every time they sneeze. Either way, it sure doesn’t look like dragons pee in toilets.
At least not without a bit of prompting.
Because, by the end of the book, evidence appears to suggest that dragons CAN pee in toilets if they have a good example to follow:
Actually, not only will dragons pee in a toilet, but they will also fill it to the top. Perhaps because of their superhose.
Finally, because I still have hundreds of old saved search terms to wade through, the rest of this space is devoted to quick replies to the more ridiculous web searches that lead people to this website:
Snappy Solutions to Silly Searches
Inverted fvckin cross kvlt?
What the hell does “inuerted” mean? Is that like a British spelling of inert? If so, then, svre, I gvess the Qveen’s English is fairly kvlt.
Send me all the movies?
Here you go, I believe this is what you are looking for:
Sure, no one ever seeds the really kvlt obscvre movies, but I doubt you’ll have the time to watch “all the movies” anyway…I can barely manage double digits a month anymore!
Picture of the hottest vagina?
Sure, it’s not like any kids read this website or anything right?
The hottest vagina I can think of is that one panel from the very first comic from www.oglaf.com. You know, the one where the apprentice has his cum enchanted to tell the sorcerer Queen every time he masturbates, and then he is forced to oil down the fire succubi with truffle oil every day. In case you haven’t figured it out, Oglaf is kind of NSFW. Which, I’m sure will keep you from clicking this direct link to the afore mentioned hot (literally) vagina picture HERE.
I’m glad Benny will have this post to look back on fondly once he’s old enough to be embarrassed.