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Welcome back to Mailbag Monday! On the first Monday of every month, I take the time from my busy blogging schedule to answer all of my reader’s most pressing questions! Sure, I might have begged, bribed and cajoled my readers into sending me these questions in the first place, but, that still totally counts as reader mail!
This month I answer the following questions:
- “What’s the best strategy for investing for early retirement?”
- “What can you tell me about anal taste buds?”
So, without further ado, it is time to dig into the old Mailbag to see what kind of things have been on my readers’ minds in the last month!
“What’s the best strategy for investing for early retirement?”
First of all, I know this question was snarkily directed at my “grasshopper who plays all summer” lifestyle, but I’ll have you know I am now a proud member of KPERS, the Kansas retirement plan for state and county employees! Which, considering the excellent financial state of our state, I’ll be just fine.
However, just in case I need a little supplemental income, I’ve got a good backup plan. Username “Satanic Ritual Abuse” from the Nuclear War Now elitest metal forums recently pointed out that my burgeoning record collection might just end up putting me on easy street down the road when he pointed out (on the “Wolves among Sheep” thread discussing the forthcoming english translation of a recent book on National Socialist Black Metal):
“Or maybe it’s not just eye of the beholder but the subject matter itself which is indeed Entartete Kunst by most standards. In 20 yrs. people will be buying nsbm records as investment instead of old wine, gold or art.”
“What can you tell me about anal taste buds?”
Ugh, thanks to this question, I actually googled “are anal taste buds a real thing?” And, after literally seconds of research, I think it’s safe to say that “anal taste buds are not a real thing. Which, the more I think about it, is a good thing.
Finally, because I still have hundreds of old saved search terms to wade through, the rest of this space is devoted to quick replies to the more ridiculous web searches that lead people to this website:
Snappy Solutions to Silly Searches
Train metal song?
Holy shit, I just realized–last month’s Minor Key Monday really would be an EXCELLENT addition to my infamous “Top 5 Metal Songs About Trains” list! Scorpions, in addition to being way ahead of their time, metallically speaking, really did write one hell of a song about trains with “Catch Your Train.” Again, like Ozzy’s “Crazy Train.” And, like “Crazy Train,” it’s just too bad about that major key verse!
(Jack reacher) what does the old guy who bit his fingers off his hand have to do with caves?
Oddly specific, but sure, I’ll try to figure it out. First, the old guy was called “The Zec,” which is Russian for “prisoner.” The Zec spent most of his life in a Siberian death camp, but, as far as I know, he never spent an inordinate amount of time in caves. So I guess the closest connection would be that, in the surprisingly non-shitty Jack Reacher movie, he was played by famed German film director (and hipster darling) Werner Herzog, who once directed a movie called Cave of Forgotten Dreams–which, no matter what anyone might have told you, does nothing to prove that 3D movies are anything less than gimmicky bullshit.
As long as I’m ruining my search history (which, I might add, I’m currently typing this on my girlfriend’s computer), I may as well double down and see if chicken specific hentai (japanese animated porn that leans towards tentacle penetration) is a thing. Well, Rule 34 remains inviolate, it is indeed a thing:
(Obviously, don’t click that at work. Or, honestly, anywhere where anyone could ever see your search history. Especially not on your girlfriend’s computer.)
I know it’s a humor joke, but from personal experience with the record market I can say that in a few years all the whippersnapper metal collectros will get way into CD-R only, mid-nineties nu-metal. You will feel sad for the youth of today. A handful of your true, rare classics will maintain value and moderately increase in price. A lot of current expensive stuff will drift down to mid-price to even cheap. Most shameful of all you will eventually find yourself kind of digging a couple of those CD-Rs. IT WILL HAPPEN TO YOU!